Peace.

Peace:
1. Freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility.
2. Freedom from the cessation of war or violence.
>Used as a greeting.
>Used as an order to remain silent.

It's December and this means Christmas time is upon me, and while I greatly celebrate the season (and the fact that I get to celebrate with family for the first in a long time!)... "Peace" as a focused Christian theme is often saved until this time of year. "Peace on earth and goodwill towards men!" I mean, yeah, DUH, Jesus is the Prince Of Peace and all. But there's so much more to peace. Outside of Christmas, we ask for a "Peace that surpasses understanding" when someone is going through a confusing, rough, difficult or straight up crappy circumstance or "season" as we like to say. Peace is much more than a lack of war or violence, it's more than silence and tranquility, it's more than the hippie theme and it's more than a directive order.

Peace is so much more. This is me, talking about myself here, but - We do our Prince of Peace an injustice simply by remaining complacent in our simplistic and uninterested understanding of the peace He so greatly rules over. I have underestimated the power of Peace and in doing so, I've underestimated my Lord.

So, going back to that phrase we pray, "Peace that surpasses understanding!" Such an eloquent, beautiful, all encapsulating, blanket statement to pray in a hard moment. I get it, I use it ALL. THE. TIME. But not until recently did I understand what that really means in practical terms.

If you've known me for long, or read my posts and followed my travels and life events - you are well aware that my life seems to lack a certain essence of peace. My life has, over the past 2-3 years, shown a steady level of unrest and consistent disturbance. Traveling from place to place, experiencing painful loss, witnessing some of the most agonizing moments, reaching my hands into heart wrenching situations - but all the while seeing ridiculous movements of Jesus, the truest of victories and liberation, seeing the best.

This trend has followed me to my life in Michigan.

I got a job within 3 days of arriving, which is a CRAZY blessing! I LOVE where I work. Not many can say that, I know. I thought, "surely, I'll be doing well enough to pay my debt within two or three months!" I've gotten to see my friends and family who I've been separated from for far too long. I've gotten to attend not only my beloved home church, but many other in my city who are working for the greater good of the Kingdom. It seemed picturesque. Now my hours are being reduced at work. Every time I sit down to write something to one of the many friends who has supported me over my time with YWAM, my mind get's foggy and I get inexplicably frustrated, walking away with nothing accomplished. With car troubles draining my paychecks, gas being guzzled as I run around trying to figure things out, being unable to produce clear communication with those I need to communicate with and various other negative inputs... It's become a war. A Daily war to figure out what the heck is making this so hard and then trying to combat it with whatever weapons I can muster.

Then: peace.

I was walking to my car on Sunday, just a normal day in the hood. My hands were particularly cold and I was clenching them, trying to ignore the cold. For some reason I was frustrated with life. Nothing particular had happened, but the feeling of being overwhelmed hit me and I was almost in tears. When, I felt heat in my right hand. It felt as if someone was holding it. I felt the lord say, so clearly, "Jackie, stop fighting for what is already won! You're life is in my charge, not yours. The battle is mine. Stop taking up arms and walk forth in peace. You are worth that peace. You are worth the fight. You're just worth it. Despite everything, you are worthy." It's been a long time since I have felt God so present and heard Him so clearly. I had to slow down for a moment to continue the conversation. And we talked. It wasn't long, it wasn't extensive. But that moment with Him was inexplicable. Just that moment of locking eyes with my Prince, my Lord, has left my heart in peaceful shambles.

Now, this is where that phrase comes in. Physically, nothing has changed. My hours are still cut. So far, I'm still losing to frustration in writing to my supporters... everything around me is still just as unsettled. But in that conversation with Jesus, He poured a deep well of still, calm waters within me. Now, this sounds like it'd be the best thing ever, RIGHT?! Well, only kind of. haha

Me, being me... I analyze. I analyze people and their habits, their nervous ticks. I study reactions and facial expressions, accents, tones of voice, I tend to notice what makes a person's eyes sparkle and among many of my social circles I've become quite the frequent arm chair psychiatrist.

So I began to analyze this peace. It makes absolutely no sense. Nothing in life, apart from Jesus, says that I should have peace. That I should be calm. WHY?! Why does this emotion, this... deep rooted sense of almost... immortality to current circumstances exist within me. It makes no sense and even under any of the many "microscopes of analysis" I tend to use, there is no rhyme or reason. It just is. That. Drives. Me. Batty. It's a sense of crazed need for understanding. But, don't worry this peace surpasses that understanding. In fact, this peace rented a Lamborghini and sped by understanding on the freeway screaming "SEE YA LATER SUCKER!"

What do you do with this? What, I ask?

Well, you have your moments of human-ness and analysis. You try to figure it out the best you can.
Then you just sit down, shut up and enjoy the darn ride.

Peace isn't just the lack of violence or war. It's not just tranquility. It's not just when the kids finally fall asleep in their beds and you can finally crack that book you've been waiting to finish. It's not just when everyone actually get's along for more than an hour at the family Christmas celebrations. It's not just something we should talk about around Christmas. It's not just a passing theme, not something we should just glance at once in a while in wonder. It's much, much more than that.

It's being rooted. It's recognizing that your sense of control is all a ruse and God really is wanting to connect with you on that deep, true, physical and spiritual level. Peace is God's funny little creative experiment that you can only understand when you're hands on.

So, let me remind myself for a moment, again.

Stop glancing at peace in the corner of your eye. Stop choosing to recognize it politely as a stranger on the street and run as fast as you can for a huge sloppy splash into that refreshing and familiar spring. Ask for it. Seek it. Yearn for that peace. While it may drive you mad. It will drive you closer and it will keep your true sanity in tact. Don't be afraid of what you don't understand. Let down your walls of so called strength and control - Then let peace cross into your camp. And just let it be.

Life in Michigan

Hello Friends,

Well, it's official. I'm in Michigan. I've been here for 3 weeks! WHAT?! THREE WHOLE WEEKS?! Life here in Michigan has been a little bit of a crazy whirlpool of everything, in a weird, weird way.

 I interviewed and had a job at a local coffee shop within 3 days of getting back to Lansing, which was a huge symbol to me that God has set this time aside for His favor and blessing on me. I'm doing something I love, making  coffee, I get to talk to people and I'm getting paid for it! YES!

I have been praying for God's will and His plan for my support raising.
Oh support raising, what a love/hate relationship we have.

I think the hardest thing for me with raising support right now, is seeing how I've failed so many wonderful people in my life! Over the past 2 years I have had people who have stood by me in prayer and in finances. All the while, I have been absolutely horrible at communicating with those people. Those who have supported me deserve and endless world of updates and thank yous! However, I have been too distracted and allowed myself to get too busy while I was in Las Vegas. If you've supported me in prayer or financially and you are reading this - I'm sorry, I messed up! I am trying to heal what I have broken. I am trying to make lists and write personal letters to each of my supporters and I hope to meet with them one on one to express to them my deepest apologies and thanks. I cannot express what my life would have been like without these fantastic people.

Moving back to Michigan has been... different. Who knew that there would be a period of culture shock with moving from fabulous Las Vegas to Lansing, Michigan. I walked into Meijer, a local grocery store, the first week I was home and I almost cried. It was just so HUGE! Everything was different from what I remembered, I didn't recognize anything and though I laugh at myself for this now, in the moment - I was devastated. Life here is much more calm and relaxed. There's less to do and it's so dark! I'm used to living with a ton of people, being up late at night and going out to look at the lights when I'm bored. Not. Anymore.

I am excited to see what God may do with the rest of my time here. I get to be home for thanksgiving and Christmas, which is the first time in over 2 years! I get to see my whole family, with a decorated tree in the corner and I get to laugh with them, get stressed out by them and enjoy all of what comes with shoving a huge family into a cute little double wide trailer. :)

God is doing something big. I don't know what exactly. But he is.

My heart is full of joy, hope and anticipation at what the Lord may do.

There is the conjumbled life of me right now. More to come later, I'm sure.

Jackie 

Joy.

joy

joi

noun

1. 1.

   a feeling of great pleasure and happiness

Y'all joy is my middle name. But sometimes I go through seasons of completely forgetting what it means, how it feels and how it changes my day to day outlook and living. 

Since I have taken a step back from ministry, in April, in order to focus on my financial situation - I have been in a downward spiral, slowly but steadily loosing sight of my joy, loosing sight of my hope and loosing sight of my dreams and visions. Debt is a crazy, overwhelming cloud that just sinks over you and darkens even the brightest things around you... if you let it. Which, I have let it. I have let my hatred of debt and the fact that I owe money I don't have weigh me down like cinder blocks being tied to my extremities in the ocean. Not to be overly dramatic, but at times, that's just how much it hit me and stole my joy. 

HOWEVER... and this is a really good however. 

Jesus is good and he has restored to me more than what the enemy could ever steal. 

About a month ago I started a process of having to make some serious life decisions. 

Would I come back to Join YWAM Las Vegas in January? 

If I did, would I want to pioneer a trafficking ministry?

If I did how would I pay of my debt between now and then?

How would I raise regular support? 

If I don't re-join YWAM, what will I do? 

Where will I go? 

It was an absolute turning point for me. 

When I was asked to make my decisions, I was an emotional wreck. A Mess, is a light way to put it. I felt tied to my debt and my lack of joy - feeling as though I can choose nothing while this cloud hovered over me. 

Luckily, I was able to spend a few days at my pastor's house-sitting while they were out of town. That was an absolute retreat for me. To step back, rest, re-focus and try to remember the dreams that were placed in my heart for Las Vegas, for YWAM Las Vegas and for anti-trafficking ministry. And when you ask the father for bread, does he give you a stone? Nope. I asked for the floodgates to be opened in my mind and for the blockage that was hindering my ability to see clearly to be broken. That is exactly what He did for me. 

I was able to decide, clearly, that I am moving to Michigan for 10 weeks in order to work and support raise so that in January of 2015 I will be able to return to YWAM Las Vegas to help pioneer a steady trafficking ministry. 

This decision was confirmed to me about 5 times in the following 5 days. Speakers for YWAM's training school were taking time with me just to talk, and pour into me... and even give me prayer-homework. 

Guys. It's crazy. My joy has been restored. Doors are opening, dreams keep pouring in as if I have a bottomless bucket to store them in, plans and excitement overwhelm me with hapiness. Opportunities are on my horizons, dreams are coming to fruition. I have stood up and fought for my joy and I have allowed God to fight for me even more than I can fight for myself... And now I have this constant, underlying joy. Like I have had the cinder blocks untied and as if I'm floating safely on a retreat center's shore line. 

Do things still suck sometimes? Do they still hurt? Do things still get messy? Hell yes. 

But my joy is untouched. It's pretty great Y'all. Joy is restored, dreams begin to flow and hope becomes the never dying silver lining on the clouds above. 

How else can I say it? I'm excited for life and for what God wants to do with the next... oh let's say 80 years of my life? Yeah, that sounds about right. :) 

Sorry for the long, long post. But it's the update. 

Learning Love: A jumbled post of stuff.

Love. 

It's a basic subject in conversation in the lives of most Christians. "Love your neighbors", "Love as Christ loves", "How he LOVES us!". Then we, ever so affectionately, role our eyes at each individual who pipes up with the notion that we should love ourselves. "Let's not become infatuated with pride now." 

I don't know. Maybe this is just me. Maybe I'm the only one who, until recently, believed with my whole being that to love and accept myself for who I am, to be proud of my gifts and my character and to have self respect enough beyond what protects my moral compass would just be sinful. I've always been the one to give a long eye-roll to anyone who rudely or lovingly pointed out that I didn't accept myself enough or that I was worth anything. 

But, I've begun to realize that thinking so LITTLE of yourself is absolutely NO BETTER than thinking too MUCH of yourself. With pride, generally, one thinks they are too good for lowly tasks or medial things. When I think too little of myself, I cut the community around me off, not allowing them to help me when needed. I cut people off from pouring into me or encouraging me, because I don't believe I'm worth their time. I don't do bold things, because, who cares if I fade away into the background. I question my call, because, why would God call me to do something of meaning, something big, when I'm just so messed up?!

Well, all this to say... I've been learning. 

Thanks to people in my life, situations that have forced me out of my lowly comfort zone and a whole lot of Jesus... I am learning that I am worthy of love. There is never reason for me to settle. It's okay for me to have a good, steady job to pay the bills. It's okay for me to have a good car, and spend money on it when it needs fixes. It's okay for me to be comfortable in my own skin. 

I've realized, ever since I've stepped back from ministry for this season, that I have utilized missions as a mask. I have selfishly used missions to solidify my worth. If I am in missions, if I am in ministry, if I am constantly working for the kingdom, making sacrifices, living in a rough neighborhood, enduring the pain of losing family members while I am abroad, then, only THEN I am someone worth while, right?! 

I was so, so wrong. I've spent allot of time studying the orphaned heart vs. the heart of Son-ship. Yet, I never addressed my own lack of self worth. So I stuck myself in a viscous cycle. Oh gosh. I don't know how to best verbalize everything flying through my head right now. 

I'm learning to just be who I am, without regrets. Without self-judgement. I have dreads, because i like them. I dyed my hair red, because I liked it. I pierced my lip because, why not?! I'm stretching my ears, who cares? I never really have fit into a mold anywhoo, I just used to care what people thought about it more. I had just perfected the art of appearing confident. This is not to say that I am okay with complacency. Because I'm not. I will constantly seek to better myself through the molding hands of Christ. I will constantly seek to be more like Him, because God knows I have a long way to go before I'm a complete creation. But, this doesn't mean that I have to belittle myself in my own mind along the way. 

I have messy, frizzy hair. I have freckles all over my shoulders. I have big hands. I have big feet. I'm overweight. I laugh too loud. I get angry when people don't give me a chance to explain myself. I swear too much. I yell at other cars while I'm driving. I'm not the best at keeping a proper budget. I dislike peanut butter, allot. I don't fit the missionary "look" that people expect. I don't drink enough water. I sometimes have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I should. I am ever fearful of failure. I am terrified of stages, even though I trained for them. I get angry when people make ignorant comments about India and Nepal, or anyone from those areas. I allow my heart for Justice to become a bit more than just "indignant". 

But I also: I'm willing to sacrifice allot to help others, I love more and more openly, I think allot of people are funny, I can be very encouraging, I accept all sorts of people into my chosen family, I'm willing to do radical things for obedience, I love traveling, I love having stability, I have awesome friends, I can sing well,... I have a good life. 

But you know what? I'm a work in progress. Still worthy of love. I have faults, I have things I don't like. But I'm learning to love myself. And that's an okay thing. It's not the end of the world. It's not sinful. It's not wrong, or arrogant to realize that maybe, just maybe... I'm worth more than I thought I was. 

So, all of these jumbled thoughts to say... I'm learning love. Which is oddly enough helping me learn to love others more, as well. 

I guess it's kind of an important thing, eh? 

Jackie

My Heart: Only a sliver of why I love Las Vegas.

Las Vegas, Nevada.
Or "Sin City" as you may know it.
Either way, I love it.

    Las Vegas has been my home for a little over the past year. It was only two weeks into my training school that my heart first bonded with this city, when the Lord showed me that I should come back. But, my love for this city didn't start in 2012. It started in 2005, when I was around 14. It was shortly after I had dedicated my life to the Lord. Shortly after I had truly been able to look into the eyes of my Daddy, my Lover, my Healer, my Jesus. I had all of these issues that I was fighting to get through, health, spiritual, habitual, mental - all sorts of downfalls and struggles. But it was as if I had just truly seen Jesus for myself, for the first time - so I was zealous. I was seeking solutions and falling in love with Jesus. One night, similar to this night, I was sitting in my bed in the wee hours of the morning. I was listening to music and writing all about my woes, when I felt the Lord breathe ideas into my mind. Ideas of a city I would once live and work in. Not just any city, there was criteria. Sex trafficking, underage run-aways, alcoholism, gambling, orphans and forgotten ones are all just a few of the things that would be large parts of the city I was headed for. My mind was narrow for years, convinced it was New York or Chicago, maybe even Savannah. I tucked this moment with the Lord, this revelation, away and packed it tightly in the back of my mind to save for myself... and honestly, forget.

      But when I came to Vegas for my DTS in August of 2012, something automatically fit for me. It didn't take long for me to start asking my staff questions about what it was like to live here, to be on staff with YWAM Las Vegas, or even to start thinking about moving here. In fact, it was 2 weeks into my DTS when I started thinking about moving back, it was 2 weeks into my DTS that I remembered that night with Jesus and saw Las Vegas absolutely crawling with each criteria that I knew I was looking for.

Fast forward to the beginning of March of this year. I was helping staff for a Mission Adventures team from Ashland University. We were up on a plateau we lovingly call Sunrise Mountain. We often bring groups to this location for worship and intercession, because you can almost see every light in the valley. The strip, downtown, the surrounding suburbs - you can see it all. While we were worshiping, I was looking at my city. Overwhelmed by what all had happened since November. A crazy outreach that drained me, attaining debt to my ministry and the biggest curve ball, my 12 year old brother hanging himself, going into a coma and eventually passing away, while I was stuck in Nepal, surrounded by his language and faces that looked just like his. I began to sob standing on that mountain, thinking to myself

"WHAT HAVE I DONE?! I have removed myself from all I know. I've said goodbye to my family and put what I thought was Jesus first... and then love that I was hardly even used to yet gets ripped out of my family's life. Obviously, I've taken the wrong track!"

In that moment I felt the Lord with me SO strongly. I felt urged to step closer to the edge to get a clearer view of my home, so I did. Then the Lord breathed life back into me. He said

"Jackie, you've abandoned tradition to follow me - that's exactly what I asked of you! I know you think you should go home, but look at this city! Do you see it?! It's full of sons and daughters who are unable to sit still. Children who are unable to stay in one place long. They don't feel welcomed in my home. They're lost within themselves. They can feel love, but they can't attach themselves to it. They're wandering. You know who else was like that? Your brother. This is a city full of Deepaks and you have what it takes to shine a lamp of hope to them. Share with them your love, your hope, your joy, your light, your heart. Love them, even if they don't stick around forever." 

At this point, I was simply trying to stay composed to the point where our new students didn't suspect me of insanity. But every word the Lord spoke was confirmation of the love and passion I have for this city and confirmation of everything the Lord has said 3,000 times before. This crazy, full of weird, full of orphans looking for a home, up all night, full of bad decisions, full of churches, full of Jesus, full of fellowship, full of hope, full of grace city- It's been tattooed onto my heart just as vibrantly as India has been for 17 years.

Often when I say "I LOVE Las Vegas" to someone who isn't from around here, I get a quizzical look.
But how can I deny love to a city with so much destiny over it? A city so full of dreamers? A city so full of strangers who are just like Deepak, who I long to love as my own kin. It's a beautiful thing really. It's something I wouldn't trade for the world.

That my friends, is why I'm called here. Why I stay here. Why I choose here. Well, at least that's a sliver of why I call this crazy valley home.

#MyHairDon'tCare

Long time no see friends. 

Let's just get something out in the open - I have newly acquired dreadlocks. 

I know that not everyone will like them. Not everyone will think I made a good decision.  

So, let's get down to WHY I chose dreadlocks. 

I have loved how dreadlocks have looked for ages. I've always wanted them, but never thought I'd look good with them and I fell subject to believing the lies of how they're dirty and no one will accept me. 

Over the past month or so, Jesus has started talking to me about caring too much about other's opinions. 

Far too often I am controlled by other's opinions about what I do, who I am and how I look. If you were unaware of this aspect of my thought process, don't feel left out. I've become a pro at portraying confidence and a certain attitude of "I don't give a crap what you think about me!" I've trained myself not to let people know I care, because I trained myself that sensitivity and having feelings were both negative character traits. 

I'm good at being the first one to break the box, be weird, act awkwardly, speak out, laugh loudly and getting other people to be "proud of their weird" as I tend to think. I hate seeing people bound by what is "cool" when there is so much unique creativity and personality they have to let loose. All the while, I sit there and think about how my loud laugh bothers people, How my stories are annoying,  How I didn't dress appropriately for the outing, etc. I've watched myself care far too much about what people think of me. I'm done.

After years of straightening, I finally decided over the past 3 years to let my hair go naturally curly again. People loved it. My nice curly hair became the one thing I could count on making me pleasant and acceptable to people. My permanent acceptance letter to any social occasion or group of people. Pathetic, Right? 

Well, Jesus started talking to me about my hair. He said "Does it really matter?" No, of course it doesn't REALLY matter, in the Kingdom perspective of life. "Do you really think you'll be turned away?" A little bit. 

"Jackie, Get dreadlocks. I want to see you not care about any opinion but mine!" But that's terrifying. 

"You use that word too much." ... "You like dreads, you should get them. Who cares what they'll say!" 

So, I made the plan, I watched endless hours of tutorials, maintenance and care videos. I made one of my roommates watch a bunch too. So I set the date. 

This past Monday and Tuesday night we worked on them for hours! They're frizzy and new, but I love them already. I'm excited for the adventure that is before me. 

And just to be trendy. #dreadhairdontcare 

Yep. 

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New Post Coming soon!

I'm so sorry that I haven't updated since my return from India and Nepal! Look for an updated in the next two weeks!!