Learning Love: A jumbled post of stuff.

Love. 

It's a basic subject in conversation in the lives of most Christians. "Love your neighbors", "Love as Christ loves", "How he LOVES us!". Then we, ever so affectionately, role our eyes at each individual who pipes up with the notion that we should love ourselves. "Let's not become infatuated with pride now." 

I don't know. Maybe this is just me. Maybe I'm the only one who, until recently, believed with my whole being that to love and accept myself for who I am, to be proud of my gifts and my character and to have self respect enough beyond what protects my moral compass would just be sinful. I've always been the one to give a long eye-roll to anyone who rudely or lovingly pointed out that I didn't accept myself enough or that I was worth anything. 

But, I've begun to realize that thinking so LITTLE of yourself is absolutely NO BETTER than thinking too MUCH of yourself. With pride, generally, one thinks they are too good for lowly tasks or medial things. When I think too little of myself, I cut the community around me off, not allowing them to help me when needed. I cut people off from pouring into me or encouraging me, because I don't believe I'm worth their time. I don't do bold things, because, who cares if I fade away into the background. I question my call, because, why would God call me to do something of meaning, something big, when I'm just so messed up?!

Well, all this to say... I've been learning. 

Thanks to people in my life, situations that have forced me out of my lowly comfort zone and a whole lot of Jesus... I am learning that I am worthy of love. There is never reason for me to settle. It's okay for me to have a good, steady job to pay the bills. It's okay for me to have a good car, and spend money on it when it needs fixes. It's okay for me to be comfortable in my own skin. 

I've realized, ever since I've stepped back from ministry for this season, that I have utilized missions as a mask. I have selfishly used missions to solidify my worth. If I am in missions, if I am in ministry, if I am constantly working for the kingdom, making sacrifices, living in a rough neighborhood, enduring the pain of losing family members while I am abroad, then, only THEN I am someone worth while, right?! 

I was so, so wrong. I've spent allot of time studying the orphaned heart vs. the heart of Son-ship. Yet, I never addressed my own lack of self worth. So I stuck myself in a viscous cycle. Oh gosh. I don't know how to best verbalize everything flying through my head right now. 

I'm learning to just be who I am, without regrets. Without self-judgement. I have dreads, because i like them. I dyed my hair red, because I liked it. I pierced my lip because, why not?! I'm stretching my ears, who cares? I never really have fit into a mold anywhoo, I just used to care what people thought about it more. I had just perfected the art of appearing confident. This is not to say that I am okay with complacency. Because I'm not. I will constantly seek to better myself through the molding hands of Christ. I will constantly seek to be more like Him, because God knows I have a long way to go before I'm a complete creation. But, this doesn't mean that I have to belittle myself in my own mind along the way. 

I have messy, frizzy hair. I have freckles all over my shoulders. I have big hands. I have big feet. I'm overweight. I laugh too loud. I get angry when people don't give me a chance to explain myself. I swear too much. I yell at other cars while I'm driving. I'm not the best at keeping a proper budget. I dislike peanut butter, allot. I don't fit the missionary "look" that people expect. I don't drink enough water. I sometimes have a hard time keeping my mouth shut when I should. I am ever fearful of failure. I am terrified of stages, even though I trained for them. I get angry when people make ignorant comments about India and Nepal, or anyone from those areas. I allow my heart for Justice to become a bit more than just "indignant". 

But I also: I'm willing to sacrifice allot to help others, I love more and more openly, I think allot of people are funny, I can be very encouraging, I accept all sorts of people into my chosen family, I'm willing to do radical things for obedience, I love traveling, I love having stability, I have awesome friends, I can sing well,... I have a good life. 

But you know what? I'm a work in progress. Still worthy of love. I have faults, I have things I don't like. But I'm learning to love myself. And that's an okay thing. It's not the end of the world. It's not sinful. It's not wrong, or arrogant to realize that maybe, just maybe... I'm worth more than I thought I was. 

So, all of these jumbled thoughts to say... I'm learning love. Which is oddly enough helping me learn to love others more, as well. 

I guess it's kind of an important thing, eh? 

Jackie