Thanksgiving. Christmas. The ever so glamorous "Holiday Season!"
A time where community gathers together and celebrates, fellowships, experiences each other through a new lens of celebration.
I used to pride myself in the community I had. Through a large majority of my life I've felt surrounded, supported, never alone and the truth was, I had the best people in my life. Living in a bedroom with 3-4 other girls and sharing 3 showers with 15 girls, never having my own kitchen, knowing how to navigate the potentially testing waters of tight community living were all things I felt I knew well. And I did.
Now, I would say pretty much none of that is the case. Moving to Vegas 4 years ago was the unfortunate beginning of friendships I had held near and dear to my heart my whole life fizzling into casual likes on fb and once a year "happy birthday's"... if that. And in the process of those friendships seemingly passing away, I clung to the community I had around me at YWAM. Even though that community turned over every 6 months or so, there was at least always someone I could connect with and be close with. When I finished my time of ministry with them, most of those relationships became obsolete. Casual "Hellos" and "It's been forever since I've seen you!" but nothing more. My church here in Vegas started an AMAZING season of worshiping in a different venue, and as much as I adored our new vision... we lost our family feeling. We aren't really behaving like a tribe anymore, we're just a gathering place. I've walked into a new work situation, and I LOVE IT. It's my dream job. And my co-workers are some of the biggest blessings in my life. They constantly remind me that it's safe to let them in, and I still constantly sit in fear that i'll believe them... and then I'll be wrong. Just like I have been so many times lately.
Now, I honestly don't believe that any of these people who were once close with me have changed all that much. I don't think anyone has iced me out or forgotten me. But everything has changed.
A lie changed everything. The simple words whispered in spine chilling tones "You're not worth the effort to know."
I mean, clearly... he had to be right. Why else would everything fall apart so easily? I feel as though I've tried. I've put my all into some relationships and they still flutter away. As soon as I was taken out of someone's daily space, and communication became work, things dissipated. I was allot of work wasn't I? People are too busy, they don't have time, I'm too needy, I want too much from people. My work schedule throws a wrench in the system. Working over nighters, every other night. Not the normal job for anyone else my age who exists in my vicinity. That makes me hard to love too, right? ... all reasons to excuse myself from the table of God and lock myself in the basement.
Now, I'm not proud to say, I've begun isolating myself. Spending almost all of my free time in a bunk bed, in an empty dorm room, living back at the YWAM base, feeling out of place and unimportant to anyone. I spend my time trying to fill the silence by reading books out loud, watching netflix and hulu, sleeping unhealthy amounts and pretending like it doesn't bother me. I'm living the dream, it's clearly the good life.
It's pathetic, honestly. And it's frustrating for me, being an individual who loves to proclaim people's worth, and being someone who understands allot about psychology and such things and not being able to fix myself. Knowing that there are solutions, but not being able to see or practice them. I feel trapped.
As much as I would love this to be a blog that ends in triumph. It's not. At least not yet. Currently, I'm a slave to the lie, to the insecurity. I break out of my chains around every other day and then I come back dragging my feet, head hung low, wrists presented muttering "You were right, freedom is too much for me to handle."
We're meant for community. And I'm wanting to fight for it, but honestly, I'm tired of fighting to be loved. And I'm tired of believing blatant, evil lies. So, I'm working on it. I'm not complete. I'm not finished. And that's okay.
A time where community gathers together and celebrates, fellowships, experiences each other through a new lens of celebration.
I used to pride myself in the community I had. Through a large majority of my life I've felt surrounded, supported, never alone and the truth was, I had the best people in my life. Living in a bedroom with 3-4 other girls and sharing 3 showers with 15 girls, never having my own kitchen, knowing how to navigate the potentially testing waters of tight community living were all things I felt I knew well. And I did.
Now, I would say pretty much none of that is the case. Moving to Vegas 4 years ago was the unfortunate beginning of friendships I had held near and dear to my heart my whole life fizzling into casual likes on fb and once a year "happy birthday's"... if that. And in the process of those friendships seemingly passing away, I clung to the community I had around me at YWAM. Even though that community turned over every 6 months or so, there was at least always someone I could connect with and be close with. When I finished my time of ministry with them, most of those relationships became obsolete. Casual "Hellos" and "It's been forever since I've seen you!" but nothing more. My church here in Vegas started an AMAZING season of worshiping in a different venue, and as much as I adored our new vision... we lost our family feeling. We aren't really behaving like a tribe anymore, we're just a gathering place. I've walked into a new work situation, and I LOVE IT. It's my dream job. And my co-workers are some of the biggest blessings in my life. They constantly remind me that it's safe to let them in, and I still constantly sit in fear that i'll believe them... and then I'll be wrong. Just like I have been so many times lately.
Now, I honestly don't believe that any of these people who were once close with me have changed all that much. I don't think anyone has iced me out or forgotten me. But everything has changed.
A lie changed everything. The simple words whispered in spine chilling tones "You're not worth the effort to know."
I mean, clearly... he had to be right. Why else would everything fall apart so easily? I feel as though I've tried. I've put my all into some relationships and they still flutter away. As soon as I was taken out of someone's daily space, and communication became work, things dissipated. I was allot of work wasn't I? People are too busy, they don't have time, I'm too needy, I want too much from people. My work schedule throws a wrench in the system. Working over nighters, every other night. Not the normal job for anyone else my age who exists in my vicinity. That makes me hard to love too, right? ... all reasons to excuse myself from the table of God and lock myself in the basement.
Now, I'm not proud to say, I've begun isolating myself. Spending almost all of my free time in a bunk bed, in an empty dorm room, living back at the YWAM base, feeling out of place and unimportant to anyone. I spend my time trying to fill the silence by reading books out loud, watching netflix and hulu, sleeping unhealthy amounts and pretending like it doesn't bother me. I'm living the dream, it's clearly the good life.
It's pathetic, honestly. And it's frustrating for me, being an individual who loves to proclaim people's worth, and being someone who understands allot about psychology and such things and not being able to fix myself. Knowing that there are solutions, but not being able to see or practice them. I feel trapped.
As much as I would love this to be a blog that ends in triumph. It's not. At least not yet. Currently, I'm a slave to the lie, to the insecurity. I break out of my chains around every other day and then I come back dragging my feet, head hung low, wrists presented muttering "You were right, freedom is too much for me to handle."
We're meant for community. And I'm wanting to fight for it, but honestly, I'm tired of fighting to be loved. And I'm tired of believing blatant, evil lies. So, I'm working on it. I'm not complete. I'm not finished. And that's okay.
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