Well, it's been a quite a while since I've updated you. I apologize, somewhere along the last month or so I've drifted into my own world and forgotten many things. This blog being one of them.
In my world, it's been allot of things one right after the other. Leading to an overwhelming time.
I wish I could compare this moment in my life to a great story from scripture that could give me hope. Mary in her time of pregnancy, feeling alone, isolated, forgotten, wondering... but all the while trusting the Lord's plan above earthly proceedings. Paul, in prison, singing to praise God and pass time through the tears, silence and stuck-ness. Mary Magdalene, before encountering Christ, feeling undesirable, hopeless, unsafe and emotionally unavailable.
At this point, I can't tell if I identify with each of these stories or none of them.
I definitely am learning from Mother Teresa's story and her 6 decades of loneliness and feeling as though God has abandoned her.
No matter who I identify with right now - I've made the choice to hope, to trust, to fight. Hopelessness may have wicked teeth, but the fire that shot up in my bones 8 years ago to see freedom for women will not be torn away by wicked teeth. I will fight for love, for freedom, for hope. Not only for myself, but for my sisters.
The process of pioneering was recently described to me as this:
In my world, it's been allot of things one right after the other. Leading to an overwhelming time.
Isolated, loneliness, goodbye, making it, tears, blazing paths, labor pains, stuck, cooped, unavailable, unsafe, undesirable, hopeless, silent. These are but a few phrases and words that come to mind when I attempt to explain the season I'm in. This is not to say I am without joy or love in my life. I have many who surround me, who love me and do their best to keep me held up when I'm nothing but a melted puddle.
I wish I could compare this moment in my life to a great story from scripture that could give me hope. Mary in her time of pregnancy, feeling alone, isolated, forgotten, wondering... but all the while trusting the Lord's plan above earthly proceedings. Paul, in prison, singing to praise God and pass time through the tears, silence and stuck-ness. Mary Magdalene, before encountering Christ, feeling undesirable, hopeless, unsafe and emotionally unavailable.
At this point, I can't tell if I identify with each of these stories or none of them.
I definitely am learning from Mother Teresa's story and her 6 decades of loneliness and feeling as though God has abandoned her.
No matter who I identify with right now - I've made the choice to hope, to trust, to fight. Hopelessness may have wicked teeth, but the fire that shot up in my bones 8 years ago to see freedom for women will not be torn away by wicked teeth. I will fight for love, for freedom, for hope. Not only for myself, but for my sisters.
The process of pioneering was recently described to me as this:
It's like making scrambled eggs. You pour the raw egg into a pan, and you stir and stir and stir... and the eggs are still very much liquid. Then you stir, and stir more and they're still very much liquid. It seems as though the eggs will always be liquid. But, then, out of nowhere, they turn a corner and become solid. Just as it is with pioneering. You put so much work into building a foundation. You work, and write, and sit behind that desk in obedience, knowing that it's part of the process. You pray, and you cry and you continue working... just to look down and realize that it feels like NOTHING has been accomplished yet. But I have hope that my corner is coming. I know it is. And Oasis, as a ministry whole, will turn the corner and suddenly things will begin to solidify. Fruit will begin to bloom on the branches I've been endlessly pruning.
Some positives that counteract the dark clouds in life are simple.
Accomplishments. Feeling as though just tiny things are being produced for Oasis. A mission statement, Vision statement, cultural values, talking about recruiting and staff training. It's good.
The mountains. I'm surrounded by beautiful mountains and I swear that when I'm in them, I can hear the earth sing praises to my King. My heart beats faster, as if I were on an adventure as I just stand and look over the beauty.
My family here in Las Vegas. My church, my community, the people who surround me and are able to hear when I am silent and breathe the life of Christ back into my lungs. The people who hug me, who see me trying not to cry and shoot me fatherly looks of love, the ones who check up on me and let me release it all and help me to come to healthy answers, the ones who deal with me gently, the ones who deal with me bluntly and the ones who ignore me when I need to be ignored. The ones who make me smile, laugh and sing when I've decided to be silent out of frustration. The ones who rush to hold up my arms the moment they realize that I'm becoming to tired to do it alone.
God's word. Meditating in the truth of Christ has been an ever flowing spring that speaks specifically to my heart and my mind when I need it most. Aligning me with the Father's heart and the truth and reality beyond what I feel.
Music. Worship, specifically. Which always has and always will understand my heart more than my words. The groans of pain are released through the process of praise.
The women. The women I see on the streets, their smiles, their "Hey Mama, it's been a while since I've seen you!"s yelled across the streets. The brokenness on their faces, but the glittering of hope in their eyes when they hear that they're loved. Brings me more hope. More life. More joy than I can express to you in a million years worth of words.
So, despite feeling as though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, His perfect love is casting out fear and driving me on not to rest here in this valley. It's tiresome work, it's sometimes isolated work but the Lord has called them worthy.
Life may be dark and clouded right now.
But God has not abandoned me.
Some positives that counteract the dark clouds in life are simple.
Accomplishments. Feeling as though just tiny things are being produced for Oasis. A mission statement, Vision statement, cultural values, talking about recruiting and staff training. It's good.
The mountains. I'm surrounded by beautiful mountains and I swear that when I'm in them, I can hear the earth sing praises to my King. My heart beats faster, as if I were on an adventure as I just stand and look over the beauty.
My family here in Las Vegas. My church, my community, the people who surround me and are able to hear when I am silent and breathe the life of Christ back into my lungs. The people who hug me, who see me trying not to cry and shoot me fatherly looks of love, the ones who check up on me and let me release it all and help me to come to healthy answers, the ones who deal with me gently, the ones who deal with me bluntly and the ones who ignore me when I need to be ignored. The ones who make me smile, laugh and sing when I've decided to be silent out of frustration. The ones who rush to hold up my arms the moment they realize that I'm becoming to tired to do it alone.
God's word. Meditating in the truth of Christ has been an ever flowing spring that speaks specifically to my heart and my mind when I need it most. Aligning me with the Father's heart and the truth and reality beyond what I feel.
Music. Worship, specifically. Which always has and always will understand my heart more than my words. The groans of pain are released through the process of praise.
The women. The women I see on the streets, their smiles, their "Hey Mama, it's been a while since I've seen you!"s yelled across the streets. The brokenness on their faces, but the glittering of hope in their eyes when they hear that they're loved. Brings me more hope. More life. More joy than I can express to you in a million years worth of words.
So, despite feeling as though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, His perfect love is casting out fear and driving me on not to rest here in this valley. It's tiresome work, it's sometimes isolated work but the Lord has called them worthy.
Life may be dark and clouded right now.
But God has not abandoned me.
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