The ways He moves.

For a long time I've felt a silence. God had just not provided the leading voice I thought I so desperately needed. I felt rather neglected and so extremely at a loss of purpose. Whenever it came to a decision about my life it would always come down to a a fight between needing to make a deccision and wanting to wait for God's leading. I rather lost hope in hearing from the Lord. It seemed as if it had been SO long! I struggled with a constant depression, a constant weight on my heart. I felt as if someone had filled a blanket with bricks and wraped it around me and I knew that Jesus was the only one able to take it off, but he just wouldn't listen to me long enough to see the blanket. I knew he heard me, but he was just so UN-evident. If I'm being completely honest, I just gave up the hope that God cared enough for me to care about my life. I still was trying to live according to the Holy Spirit's convictions on my life, I was still praying and spending time in the word (though not as much). I just came to expect that these were mundane, boring, meaningless motions I was to go through every day to please God, all the while never even hoping to get something from Him in return. I didn't really care anymore.

Lately, I've been going to a bible study. Every Thursday night I go to a biggby and discuss the word of God with around 6 other girls, who all love Jesus very much. I was able to converse and interpret the word and feel convictions. I wasn't "Godless" only without the leadership or input the Lord provides. As a group we decided to do a 21 day fast. We took a week and prayed about what the Lord would like to have us remove from our lives for a while. It was really hard for me to figure out what I should fast from. Eventually I decided that I could fast from Movies. I spend allot of time just watching movies while studying, talking on the phone, etc. A BIG time waster.

May I just tell you how AWESOME our God is?! Two days after the fast had begun, I lost my phone. I was so beyond frustrated and I was VERY ready to just be mad. I went home, scanned craigslist and found a phone that seemed acceptable. The very next day I was able to purchase a hardly used smart phone for a very affordable price. Then, Monday, only 4 days after the fast had begun God provided me with a car. An extremely affordable car that (God willing) will last me many years. God is revealing himself anew to me. It's not only these events that have given me hope, they are only a piece of the puzzle. Most certainly the Lord has reminded me that I am not forgotten. He is awesome and He is good.

I've had an itch lately, to do something, go somewhere... I don't even know. It's an unbearable itch that I just want to scratch but can't. God has the back scratcher. For now, he's given me some soothing lotion, but I know he's going to wait until I literally cannot take the itch anymore, then he shall scratch it for me. :) I have many tenative plans for this summer. I'm just throwing myself through every open door with the faith that God will slam quite a few of them in my face. I need the contentment and the humility to accept those "no" responses.

On Febuary 9th, I am starting a 40 day juice fast. It will be very difficult, but I feel that the Lord has led me to it and that His strength alone will give me the joy and strength to make it through. I will be attentatively waiting for the Lord's direction. I will pray for the things he lays on my heart, I will spend as much time with him as I can and just soak him up! It's been a long time since I have purposefully focused on my own growth and relationship with God. I'm generally rather focused on everything that's happening outside of myself.

I'm so excited to see where all the Lord is going to change me and where he will lead me. I'm so happy to be a servant of the Most High! It is only He who moves among us whom I can entrust with my life and all it's dysfunctions, misdirections and hopes. Our God leads, directs, loves, cares, bears, takes, gives, makes, ruins and fathers. I'm excited to see what He'll reveal himself to me as next. :)

With high hopes and desperation,
-Jackie