...no conclusive endings.

So many questions fill my head. No one really has answers.

For an adult your life has some relative security. You are most likely able to say that within the next year you will: Keep your job, keep your spouse, keep your home, keep your life in general. Things will come and go, and life does in fact change… but there is a higher level of security and a lessened level of unknowing. It is not this way for a 19 year old girl stuck in the middle!

I am unknowing as to whether I will be able to find a job or not, in the future will I be able to get a job that doesn't drive me nuts?! Should I be in college, or can I rough it on my own? Will I make enough money to pay of my college debt or will I make enough money to support my future family without a degree? Will I marry a man who wants me to work or stay at home? Will I send my kids to public or private school… or will they be home-schooled… and these may seem like pointless, ahead of the game types of questions. However, the way one comes to ANY of those answers can truly be boiled down to two things and altered by one single decision. 1) Is this God’s perfect will for me? 2)Do I get a college degree?

Lately, I have been reminded just how horrible I am at the whole “College” thing. I’m not a great student, my time management skills suck and every day I am on campus I ask God and myself “What am I doing here?” It doesn't seem like this is where I belong and although I do enjoy it most days, it just never fully feels right. It’s not like getting my degree makes me more or less honoring to God with my life. I mean, everyone has their own path…right?

Do I choose college or do I choose doing whatever I can to go wherever God leads me outside of a degree. I know that most of the adults reading this will highly encourage me to finish my education. Honestly, can you not admit that some people are just simply not meant for college? I know that these people exist, but am I one of them?

All I want to do is to honor God with the talents He has been kind enough to bless me with. It’s a CHALLENGE every day I wake up and realize that, once more, I have to muster up the strength to project my voice in my vocal performance class when all I want to do is hide in the closet and never ever let people hear me sing. I know I’m called to more than that though. I pursue music because it is what gives me most peace, it is how I most intimately connect with God and it is what I feel like I can fake being good at.

Lately, I feel like I’m misinterpreting God…allot. When I was younger and I would go swimming in a pool with friends we would often play a sort of “Game” where we would go under water and yell at the top of our lungs some sort of funny word or phrase. We would then come up for air and the other person would try to guess what we had just yelled under the water. Of course, the words were terribly muffled, and every guess made was based on the general sound and tone. Usually your first through seventh guesses were wrong, until finally it was laid out syllable by syllable for you to understand. Has anyone else ever done this, or am I alone here? Well anyways, lately I feel like that low, muffled, non-direct voice is how God is speaking to me. It’s not a matter of just “being still” but of trying to interpret everything from basic vocal tones and drowned out consonants.

Why must I hear God this way? Why must I guess what he is trying to do in my life? I search, and search and look and seek for His direction and his still small voice, I find nothing but muffled whispers of a loving God.

I knew that I never had it fully figured out, but at the very least I thought I had a plan that was following God’s path for me. Now, I’m not so sure of anything. Every single thing I was certain of has been taken away (this is where I start humming “He gives and takes away!”).

As much as I would (beyond) LOVE bringing this blog post to a conclusive end, there isn't one. As long as my life has not concluded these questions will be swimming in my mind. There is no answer, there is no solid “Yes or no” answer… everything is relative and the relativity is based on God’s will. I feel like I’m in the balance, in some ways.

These questions and so many more conquer me daily.

God is constant and the sun still has the ability to shine, to the Almighty One be the glory but that doesn't mean I don't doubt and that I don't get confused.

Blessings, love and warmth to you on this most wretchedly cold evening.

Jackie Poole