Temple 619: Week 2

Not much has happened this past week. 

I went to the Doctor, that went well. I was on some various medications for various conditions and he has taken me off of everything for a month trial. I'll get blood work done before I go in again next month just to check how things are going, providing I stick to my 90day challenge I should be in the clear to stay off of my meds, which I would be VERY excited about! I hate taking medication, but I will if I have to. 

I bought a pedometer and I'm keeping track of my steps and miles. My doctor suggested aiming for 10,000 steps a  day. Yesterday I reached 10,400 at work alone (which is almost 5 miles worth of walking). Right now, the way my feet are yelling at me, I completely believe it was that much. 

School is getting stressful and I'm trying not to let it effect my inner peace. The Lord has promised good to me, through stress, through troubles, though adversity he has given me access to his abundant peace. Hopefully in the midst of all this crazy, CRAZY final school assignments I am able to remember that I have complete access to His supernatural peace. 

I'm trying so hard not to get sick. I'm pumping myself full of vitamins and i'm about to go to the store solely for orange juice. haha Working where I do and having almost the whole shelter sick, I KNOW I have been more than exposed to it. Besides who thinks "you are transporting illness to me right now!" when you're hugging a little kid who just doesn't understand what's going on around her? I don't. So, I know I've been exposed to colds, flu's, etc. I'm praying that my stubbornness alone will keep me well, at least until after school. I came home from work last night, not feeling the best. I'm thinking it's just because I was stressed and tired. 

The Lord has been revealing allot to me lately. Not in revelation style words. But, just placing thoughts in my mind that I know are him pushing me on to be all I'm meant to be. I've applied to Carnegie Mellon, Cincinnati University Conservatory, NYU - Nisch and I'm looking at more schools that would be far off dreams of majoring in musical theater. I'm waiting for my verification to register for an audition date for each school. 

Who knows what (IF anything) will come of these applications and possible auditions. I figured, what will it hurt?! I'm also going through the organizational stage of getting an audition ready for the Broadway Conservatory summer program. I'm about ready to ask some people around if they could help me prepare. For some reason, right now, I am more that willing to throw myself through the ringer to get somewhere with my dream. Blood, sweat and tears. They'll flow, but that's fine... I will run full pledged into the opportunities I see. I may run into a few doors as God closes them, but no one will ever get anywhere sitting on their butts. 

So, I guess that's all I really have to say right now. 

I really need to figure out why my thoughts always sound so jumbled. I dislike it allot. Blerg.

Oh well, for now I say goodbye.

-Jackie

Temple 619

Well, week one of my challenge is over. 11 more to go.

The first week of the challenge, was an interesting and difficult one. Since my challenge is to seek total wellness through, in essence, whatever it takes and thanksgiving was in my first week. It was a challenge but I managed to find control. Which is what I've been needing.

If you don't have any clue what I'm talking about, here is a brief explanation.

Temple 619 is a 90 day challenge I have issued myself to get my temple into better shape. I'm seeking health for my body, my mind and my soul. I am wanting a complete improvement to who I am. I've been working towards these things through daily meditation, exercise 5 days a week, being assertive to what types of music and movies I am watching, journaling daily, deeper quiet times, times of listening and the list goes on. I have a set of rules I'm trying to follow and so far, so good. My heart is to give Christ my best, my body is His temple. If my body, mind and spirit are not well taken care of then, no matter how willing and motivated I am, I am unable to give Him my absolute best.

I'm finding as the days go on, that it is increasingly difficult to be an open book. I want to be open and very honest about everything that is going on during my temple 619 project. However, I ask that you not find criticism or harsh words for me, but that you could find encouragement. Dealing with the annoyance and pain of mean spirited words is not something that is going to help me achieve my goals.

Until the other day I had COMPLETELY forgotten about prayer partners. I was completely on the wagon to find a group of people who were willing to pray for me and with me about requests I would send out. Well, that slipped my mind. I'll be working on that this next week. My goal is to have a team set up by Saturday.

I have a doctors appointment set up, just to talk about some options and to find out why in the world I keep waking up to an intense pain in my stomach in the middle of the night. It's not pleasant. Finding a Chiropractor and getting tested for adult ADD are the next things on my to-do list.

With just the meditation and yoga I've been doing almost daily, I've been feeling allot better. It completely acclimates my peace to a higher level throughout the day. I've been calmer and more aware of the beauty that is breathing deeply. Such a calming thing to do. Who knew?! haha

There are allot of things in life I've been taking for granted. I can't help but to feel ashamed for the things I've unknowingly and knowingly ignored, pushed to the side and hidden from myself.

I'm so ready to be complete in Christ. It's not a completed work yet, but that is only because of me.

Sometimes, it feels like a spiritual wasteland out there and I'm called to walk through it everyday. I'm wanting to question less and allow grace more.

Well, yeah.... so there are the completely dicombobulated ramblings of a bored woman at school who is TRYING to keep people updated on everything that is going on during her 90 days of total wellness.

There should be a video blog posted soon on youtube, who knows when it will actually get done though.

-Jackie

Parents.

{{To my parents, you may calm down. This is not a bad thing. Yes, I know that's why you read it! lol}}

So, today I was looking at a "30 day challenge" I had enlisted in on tumblr and today was about family. Well, I don't have a large one... but I got to thinking, so here it is!

My parents are fantastic. Don't get me wrong, we have our loud discussions and disagreements. But all in all, I've been raised by two people whom I greatly admire. Unfortunately, I have a tongue that's quicker at speaking than my brain is at remembering. I say allot of things about how they raised me that I shouldn't. When I'm in a tiff with one of my parents I do not shy away from pointing out their faults in raising me, or how they treat me now. If I could only learn to set my tongue on pause for a minute while I allowed my brain to catch up in those moments, I would remember all the things they did while raising me that they never were required to, then I'd be able to express my thanks to them for doing what they have. My parents have taken the time throughout my life, for me. My parents have taken allot of time, effort and money into making sure that I felt like I could accomplish my dreams! As soon as we knew it was music, it was voice lessons and choir. I was always exposed to culture, which I appreciate now so much more than I think I understood in the beginning. Art, architecture, international languages, music of all sorts and from all over the world, international foods and accepting people of cultures and beliefs other than my own.

Those are lessons that I could not re-create now if I wanted to. You can't suddenly change the way you see others and your differences, you can't suddenly like a food you've never tried, you can't suddenly be brave!

My mom:

My mom has taken her time to do everything for me. She stopped her life to enrich mine... which is something I take for granted far to often. She spent the one on one time that I needed to understand things, just so I could get through my education as needed. Eventually, she quit working and focused on ministry and my education. Although I'm ashamed to say this, I haven't always felt like a priority to her, but I was and I am. Her putting me as a priority was just displayed in a way that went undetected for me until just recently.

My mom also took the time to make sure I had the extra curricular activities I enjoyed. Paying for expensive voice lessons, choir memberships, piano lessons and guitar lessons. She gave up allot to ensure I felt I was doing something I was passionate about and something I felt would help me reach for my dreams.

She loved me. Never, ever have I felt unloved. There are little girls all over the nation and all over the world who go everyday feeling unloved. Like nobody cares. Yes, I've had my moments where I doubt specific people and even my mother. But no matter what was truly happening, I always knew that my mother loved me.

She listens to me. Seeing as how I love to babble on now about my stresses, my friend's lives, my school, my desires, my plans, my friends school...whatever the subject may be... I can only assume that as a child I was at least as talkative (if not more) then I am now. She's always made time to listen to me. Even if it's me laying on the floor next to the computer while I rant and rave and she comments on facebook, she listens. She makes me feel heard.

After she's done all the listening, my mom kicks into her fantastic personality and starts problem solving. Sometimes this is frustrating, considering I tend to rant about things I don't want solved for me, but she tries to help. She gives me wise council and humorous responses.

My mom is a wise woman that I intend to be more like someday. Completely alike? Please Lord, NO! Do I want to be like her in some ways? ABSOLUTELY YES!

My Daddy:

My daddy has done everything for me.

He is one of my best friends and I adore him. He has his moments, but so do I. He's always given me my daily dose of violence. Before you get the wrong idea, I mean that he has always given me the tomboyish side to me I have. I do happen to enjoy a good war flick, I do know how to debilitate someone with only my hands, I do own more than 1 pocket knife, I do not find gore traumatizing or gross, I do not get intimidated by anyone easily and I happen to think it's funny to knock the wind out of him on occasion. :) He can thank himself for that.

My dad has taught me the importance of government. My dad has never shied away from talking politics with me. He's taught me to be firm and independent. Which, I think he now regrets teaching me independent thought, because we tend to disagree on some things. But he's taught me how important it is to be aware of things beyond a fox or cnn news point of view. He's taught me how important it is to know what you think and how you believe on these issues and to stake everything you can on those beliefs.

He's taught me to wear a seat belt, unfortunately I needed to learn the hard way.

My dad always showed me that I was important to him! Setting aside date nights, listening to my (not always so) funny stories, talking about random crap, helping me come up with random death threats for stupid teachers, ect. He even made it a point to show me I was important when he was deployed. He sent me post cards from beautiful places, he sent me Iraqi political published brochures and explained them all to me. We'd talk on the phone and occasionally webcam (which was actually really frightening for me), I always knew how much he missed me and never knew how bad things really were for him. And every time he couldn't be there, he still tried. He'd call mom and listen over the phone to my voice recitals and he'd make sure I knew he heard me. He showed me I was someone who deserved to be important to others.

My daddy taught me that there is nothing I cannot do, unless I talk myself into believing that it's impossible.

Together my parents have taught me allot:

Together, my parents have taught me to laugh! My home, although we get angry with each other just like any normally functioning family does, is full of laughter. Laughing over stupid comments and jokes, corny puns and hilarious impressions. In the process of teaching me to laugh, they've taught me to laugh at myself. Which, is never a bad thing. If you can't laugh at yourself, you mine as well not laugh at anything else ever again because nothing is funnier than how serious you are taking yourself.

Together, my parents have taught me to love. They've taught me that it doesn't matter what country you're from, how you were raised, what color skin you have, what accent you prefer to speak in, where you were raised, the clothes you wear, the extent of your vocabulary or where you work... none of it is important. Just love.

Together my parents have taught me to be involved with ministry. When I was younger they were CONSTANTLY forcing me to do things that were "Charitable" or volunteer work. Babysitting for homeschooling moms free of charge, working with the children's department at church, being a part of a volunteering organization. Eventually, it sank in and it all became a desire. I've gone on missions trips all over the state and one out of country. I've learned to plug into churches to serve God. I'm not afraid to get a little dirt under my nails in the process of being God's hands and feet, I entirely attribute this to my parents, who have displayed the same.

My parents have taught me to seek God and follow the conviction of the Holy Spirit above what others tell me to believe. For this reason I have been able to have my own, personal relationship with God and follow His unique calling on my heart. I've been given freedom to create ideas of God and how I should live according to what I know of Him. They allow me to disagree with them and have my own personal ideas of religion, church, ministry and God.

Together, my parents have taught me the beauty of being wrong. I'm not ashamed to admit that I have some MAJOR pride issues. But it's okay to be wrong and there is a beauty to admitting it when you are.

Together, my parents have set one of the most fantastic examples of marriage I could ever ask for! As a child until now, I have NEVER questioned the validity or prosperity in my parent's marriage. There is love, there is Christ, they are one flesh that shall never part. End of story. I wish to have a marriage as firm as theirs one day.

Together, my parents have taught me to run for God with full abandon without care or concern for what others may say of my "radical" love and mercy.

Together, my parents have allowed me to join my friends (who generally adore my parents) into the family. Being an only child, they've allowed me to bring friends on vacations, school trips, "family only" birthday parties and more. Through this, they've taught me that family is based on love, not blood.

Together, my parents in combination with the mercy and grace of my Lord have gotten me to where I am. They have helped me become a woman who seeks God. There is NOTHING more on this earth that they could have done for me and I'm blessed by it.

My parents are fantastic. They are friends, they are councilors, they are examples, they are my correction, they are love, they are mercy and they are mine! How greatly am I blessed? I could never count all the ways!

Thank you mom and dad. You are the reasons I think I know so much. :) You can thank yourself's for that next time we get into a debate! :p

I love you.

Jackie

College: My Mission Field.

College. Though it's not for everyone, it is what many here in my area are getting ready for. My classes start this Thursday, sometime this week I have an interview for a weekend nanny position... and thus my life begins. I actually enjoy being busy, so this is something I'm greatly looking forward to.

As I was thinking about how I'll need to keep priorities straight and fight to keep things in line this semester, I began thinking about how going to school is my mission.

Often times we receive support letters from missionaries going all over the nation and world, who are asking for prayer. Considering they are taking the example of Christ and the Light of salvation to some random corner of the world, we consider their requests and add their items to our list of things to pray for.

But, Every time we step into the world we are stepping into an area that should be covered in prayer. I may not be directly preaching the gospel with a bible in one hand and a tract in the other. But my example of love, kindness, acceptance, nurturing friendships and willingness to do... whatever I feel will glorify the Lord will be a testimony to whoever is effected or whoever sees.

So, this fall and this coming spring semester I will be going to Lansing Community College. Everyday I go to school is an opportunity for me to set an example of Christ's love and give Him glory though my everyday.

What I am requesting is this, will you consider adding LCC to your prayer list?

Specifically asking you to join me in prayer for

- The students

- The Professors

- All the Christians on campus

Missionaries in other countries are not the only ones who enter a world of those who are unknowing of His love. I'm just seeking to join in with some brothers and sisters in Christ to pray over the path I'll walk twice a week, until May. So, if you are interested in joining me in prayer for this college campus (whether it be once a day, once a week or once a month) send me a facebook message, an email or just leave a comment to let me know you are planning on praying. It's encouraging when others are willing to stand with you in prayer.

I know that this is an awkwardly worded post and perhaps it's not even very clear. I just thought that it would be an encouragement to maybe have some people join me in prayer for what is going to be a large portion of my life for the next few years. I know that through all my time on campus I'll be looking for opportunities to reveal the heart of God to the heart of man. So, will you join me in prayer?

~Jackie

Random thoughts and updates.

Well, hey there blog... it's been a while since I've given you an update. I guess I'll do that.

Nothing too intense has been going on lately, but allot has happened... if that happens to make any sense to anyone. haha.

I am excited to return to school this fall. After several months of thinking I was going to be unable to attend for the fall semester, the blessing of everything lining up within a matter of hours on the exact day it needed to be done was incredible! I'm taking Spanish 2, Art History To The Renaissance, and Math. Which, I consider to be a pretty good mix of enjoyable and terrifying classes considering it's all just for my core courses.

If you would have asked me during either of my last 2 semesters at LCC if I WANTED to go to school, the answer would have been "NO!" I was only doing it because it's what I thought I needed to do to accomplish my "5 year plan." What a joke that was! Anyways, over the summer I began getting more and more disappointed over the fact that I wouldn't be going to school. I actually WANT to go to school now, which is a big victory... for me at least. Hopefully my grades will reflect my desire to do this. As for the "5 year plan" ... it's out the window. Pure stupidity on my part, is what it was. I'm not saying that eventual dreams or ideas are stupid, I just wasn't doing anything right. I've just decided that my "PLAN" consists of this one idea: Do whatever I know will give God my utmost and all of the glory TODAY and stop worrying about what will bring him glory in two years, two months, two weeks or even two days. God will show me what to do when the time comes. For now, I glorify Him with my passions, talents, praises, education, time, honor, obedience and example wherever I am.

I'm still keeping a very close eye out for job opportunities, unfortunately the places I've applied have not responded. So far, i've not as much as gotten an interview. It's rather ridiculous.

I was able to go to Gull Lake Ministries for a few short days while my mom was there with the girls for Family Camp. What a memory! Oh my word, I had forgotten the impact that place had on my soul once upon a time! Just being on GLM grounds reminded me of all the times I had with the councilors that showed me more of God than I had encountered before, the fun I had with new friends, the things that pushed me to seek God and the all together solace of it all. I was between 14-16 years old when I went to Gull Lake, so it was an odd thought when I realized that this particular set of councilors were actually MY age. It became even more real when I saw Aristocrafts (her councilor nick name). Her real name is Rebekah and she was in the same hightide group I was with a councilor whose nick name I do not remember (though I remember her real name was Kazia). Talk about a flood of memories! I never really did get a chance to actually talk to Rebekah, but it was a crazy blessing just to see her. The memories of that year at GLM for me are intense! A year that God took a hold of my heart and just ignited a passion within me that has yet to die.

My summer has been pretty fantastic so far. I'm quite thankful for everything the Lord has given me and I am most thankful that I am saved and made whole through grace, not the law.

Blessed be the Lord,

Jackie

Just A Little Rant About Self Image: Part 2

Okay, If you've not read part 1 to this you may want to take a few minutes to do this. I'll even make it super easy and give you a link to my own blog, which you are currently on. http://jackiepoole.blogspot.com/2011/06/just-little-rant-about-self-image.html Ahead of time, I want to apologize for both that post and this one. Something has been messed up with the html or something with the website and I am unable to add seperate paragraphs. When I write it, they're there and then they dissapear when I post. So, I apologize for the poor formatting. I'm trying to figure out how to fix it. So, in part one I talked to the girls about how verbalizing their dislikes about themselves is an extremely harmful act. Again, not to say having insecurities in self image is abnormal or negative, but talking about it constantly is. In the short time since I posted the rant I actually have received allot of feedback, which I am not at all used to. After some tough thinking I've decided to adress the men. That's right. If you're a male, this is written for you. Men, you play a large role in a woman's self confidence. If you have a mother, a sister, a lady you are dating or just female friends you are playing a part in their self image. Allot of people think that if they aren't insulting someone that their actions don't make a difference. Well, I'm sorry but this thought is quite incorrect. Everytime you talk to one of your girlfriends about how you think Selena Gomez is fantastic and why, this young lady you are with is thinking "Well, I don't measure up!" It has nothing to do with whether or not she is interested in you as more than a friend or if she thinks you're cute. It's just our built in need to compare ourselves with others who are veiwed as beautiful. It's unfortunate, but it's true. So gentlemen, when you are oogling, gandering... maybe even lusting after different women who are so called "Beautiful" you are sending a clear message to the women around you, whether or not you mean to. Say you're walking through the mall and you break contact with your date to look at the half (or perhaps less) dressed girl in the victoria's secret poster. Yeah, she see's that. She knows that you're looking at her body, it's inevitable and we've been taught to accept it as something that you (the men in our lives) cannot control. Though some women act like this doesn't bother them, it bothers me and I'm not gonna lie about it. I think you can control it. If I can learn to wear more modest clothing for your sake, do you think your could even consider controling your eyes for mine?! Yeah, I know that once you see certain things that thoughts become less controllable. However, I happen to know from experience that you can avoid some imagry to a degree. I have a guy friend (Of whom I am VERY proud to call friend and who gives me hope for young men regularly) who will deliberately look at something on the opposite side of the hallway anytime we walk by a victorias secret. We let him know when we've passed, and the conversation continues. It takes purposed thought and inentional avoidance. It doesn't just HAPPEN to not see this things. Locker room talk has become a disgusting habbit for many men as well. The Locker room is NOT where you get to talk about the uggliest chick around and whatnot. Recently a Pilot who was stupid enough to not realize his every word was being broadcasted to the control tower began talking about how he hated some people and the number of people he had slept with. He could have lost his job. It's not good for anyone and you need to be careful of your words anyways. "Actions are louder than words"... um, yeah but words still mean ALLOT! I regret to inform you that we have all become pawns in a game. Somehow we've forgotten that we're not meant to play the game the world sets up, but now we've been caught in the middle. The media of our nation WANT women to feel insecure, men to buy into the constant sexual imagry and prideful nature. All things that hurt relatinoships with our brothers and sisters in Christ. Everytime a man is caught taking a prolonged gander at these posters or commercails or everytime a girl looks at the latest clothing, cosmetic or popular item and she thinks "Wow, I NEED" that we are being played. We're being told we're not good enough if we don't. It's not okay. So, gentlemen: No, it is not at all your responsibility for us women to feel good about ourselves. However, there are 3 things you can do to improve the situation. 1) Show that you desire and are trying not to buy into the stupidity of modern sexual imagry. Yeah, we all get caught in the game - but effort means allot. 2) "Locker room talk" Just don't. 3) Take the time to make sure the women around you know that they are appreciated. It doesn't need to be a physical compliment. Let your mom know you appreciate her seeking God while raising you. Tell your girlfriend that you love the weird jokes she makes. Tell your friends that they are really good at something they love to do. Don't lie, we know when you're lying. So, I guess this is really all I have to say about this for now. It might be a little miscombobulated when it comes to organization but it was on my mind. So, I thought i'd post it. Thanks for reading.

Just a little rant about self image: Part 1

You know what drives me nuts? Complaining. Oh, but not just any type of complaining. This particular type of complaining is based from a self conscience mindset. I HATE this type of complaining. To put it politely (possibly the only time I will be polite in this post), these people truly put the bee in my bonnet. Okay, so here it is: Stop talking about how you dislike yourself. EVERY girl has something she dislikes about herself. Every model, every actress, every girl in junior high, highschool and sometimes even kindergarden, even the girl you use as your example has insecurities. "Oh, I wish I looked more like..." you can fill in that blank with whomever you want, but if you asked them if there was something they would change about themselves, I gauruntee you no one would reply with "HECK NO, I'm flipping fantastic!" I won't lie.Some of these amazingly fit bodies we idolize have things they SHOULD be changing. Britney spears should stop smoking before she gets yet another case of laringitis and eventually loses both her physical apeal to nicotiene stains around her mouth and fingers and her voice to the loss of a lung. Heidi klum should stop prancing around in high heels and lingerie before she gives herself chronic or perminent back conditions and is no longer able to model for victoria's secret due to the fact that certain "advantages" of hers are no longer able to be propped up like the angel she is often protrayed to be. We all have things we should want to change about ourselves. Like our selfish, carnal nature. We should want to be like christ, not another person. When I'm around a girl whose size is in the single digits and I hear "I feel fat!" I just want to look them in the eyes and ask "So, what does this make you think of ME?!" Ugh. There is just SO much wrong with talking about your insecurities. Okay, now this may sound somewhat hipocritical... but you've made it far into my post, if you've not screamed at the computer yet I would beg you to read through my hypocrisy and also read my explanation. I too struggle with insecurities. RARELY will you hear my voice them. To prove I am human, I'll share just a few. I do not like my body, any part really. My physical appearance is NOTHING like I wish it were. I HATE my singing voice, that's right everybody; I, the singer, dislike my own voice to the enth degree and back. You WILL hear me say "UGH, I wish I could sing like that!" So, yes. Like any other human being there are things I am insecure of. I may seem confident, but this is exactly what I want you to believe. When you voice your insecurities in a group setting, rarely is your comment returned with "No. You were made in the image of God and although you have imperfections, it was the way you were created and intended to be. For everything God has a purpose." Instead you WILL hear "Oh, I know exactly how you feel! I hate..." Wow, okay. This is not encouraging. You need the first response, you need to be told why you're beautiful. Words have INCREDIBLE power. Proverbs 18:21 "Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat it's fruits." So, you speak poorly of yourself and what is bound to follow? A poor self image, an incorrect mental depiction of the glorious and wonderful person God has created you to be. I'm not saying you have to be happy with everything about yourself. But you don't need to talk about them. It's making your own opinion of yourself worse and it's making most of those (particularly any gentlemen around and/or ME) VERY uncomfortable. In my life, there are so many gorgeous women, some older, younger or right around my age who I wish to emulate for their bold courage, strong faith or incredible testimony. Unfortunately for generations before me and my own, this world has not produced many women whom I can look up to for their confidence in self or self appearance. Having a good self image is always taught and spewed out. But, who listens?! Apparently, not enough women around. All in all, you need to realize that your imperfections make you who you are, they make you unique and in every case i've seen they make you more beautiful than you would be without them. STOP COMPLAINING, God doesn't make mistakes and he did happen to create you! I don't really know what else to say, it is what it is. Self confidence is something that comes with time and experience. But talking poorly about yourself is a bad habbit that will do worse things to you than a crack addiction or alchoholism. Think about the poison your spitting out with your words, because those thoughts and words came from within you. Just a thought. With this, I end.

Something I should name sometime in the near future.

{{ I don't know what to say about this piece. If you have questions, just leave a comment. This piece has NO name yet... I may never name it. :) }} ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Living with the terror that comes from facing your past mistakes. Constantly being drawn into the masquerade of health, when reality is that the body of our friendship dies. There is a reason I feel regret and a purpose for calling my past a mistake. ---------------------------------------------------------------- Not a day goes by where I do not encounter the need to draw my sword and whisper softly our tale into the ears of the eager unbelieving. No intentions of fighting you, only to rip the veil that hides the darkness within you that I feel unstable for having seen. ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- My heart beckons for your approvals, as my mind insistently reminds me to make it on my own. Even though it's been tainted and broken, I present my life for your smile of contentment or absolute disowning. It seems as though the painful struggle of forgiving and acting okay was just expected from me, so I have nothing else I know to offer. --------------------------------------------------------------------- You back me into corners, your harsh words draw blood, you push each and every button. Why do I run to you when my enemies are armed. What tricked me into trusting you again? On my worst days you make me laugh then instantly blindside me with your jealousy, disgust, anger and out of proportion, emotionless romantics. It's you and only you who understands but never truly knows. YOU are the source of so much of this constantly flowing joy and weakness. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You had me at your beckoning disposal, you played with the thought of having me in the palm of your immature yet steady hands until your senseless romances had lost their creativity and you simply became bored. I was thrown out of the way for a better chance at your own insecure masculine display. Though you may refuse to see the wound, things are still healing. I'm not angry, just so utterly confused by your actions and words. I've learned to expect nothing from you. I shall sit here, healing, waiting for you to finally realize that we have more to fix. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Confusion, peace, inner war, innocence, diabolical, insecure and confident. All it takes is an hour next to you and my numb life awakens to feel everything I had forgotten. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A Few Random Thoughts...

So, allot has been going on lately... but nothing at the same time. haha So, here are my random thoughts at the moment.

Holy Cow, it's amazing how God uses friends to speak to you!

Pretzels are becoming an addiction, save me!

Mountain Dew is not as good as I remember it being, Red bull is better.

Do not drink red bull immediately before watching a passion play!

Jacob Hartges is THE best thing ever.

The people gone on Sr. Trip to Tennessee right now make my LIFE when they call me on skype.

I am disliking school VERY much right now, these last 4 weeks are going to be impeccable pain in my butt!

Umm.... that's all I can think of for now.

Bye.

Wordy Wordlessness

If I could spit my words onto a page, I’d have hope that my problems could dissipate. The rhymes I speak would send release. If only words came easily to this hardened, thoughtless, weary mind of mine. If only sweet waters were to cleanse me of pain as if this overwhelming fountain would release as the ink from my pen transfers to this empty page

This life is made of locks and bars and here I am, still locked within. My one simple release, my only escape is a small tinted window through which I can sing. Since when has my freedom been only these notes, printed on pages and hidden with coats of desperation and yearning?

I fear looking stupid. I fear being heard, though I need to be screaming, I don’t say a word. There’s so much within and I’m waiting to burst, if only I could smoothly do so on page. As clear as a cloudy day, each thought bombarded with the harshest extremes. Sweet relief, sweet relief where fore art thou my peace?! I’m reduced to these words, so cheesily stated and what is within has been no more extracted.

So many people surround me with skill, I’m stuck with my ranting and little control. There are those who inspire me with their painful tellings and eloquent words. When I read I am thrilled to the utmost capacity. I wish I could express things in such fantastic ways as my friends. If I could put words together in perfect meter I’d be ecstatic, but alas I am caught on this thicket of verbal inabilities. I cannot write, I cannot rhyme, all I need is to do is to give my jab and be done. All of this to say I'm stuck being wordy, with all this wordlessness.

...So is the end the beginning again?

Has your heart ever felt void before, simply because the home of a memory is no longer yours? The home of so many laughs and dances now filled with a harsh nothingness. 800 seats staring back have me in trances. Is my heart still beating? I fear it’s not. The only movements of life are the aches in these aftershocks of what yesterday was. Once receiving warmth and joy, now I must pay. Something is drawn from me, the energy, the light in me, it dissipates. Why can’t these outrageous spot lights melt the pain, fill the nothingness or illuminate a new start? Saying goodbye to home, thrusts a spike through my heart.

Have you ever watched a friend fall apart as they say goodbye to their home? Aching ever so deeply as the one, who only hours ago, wiped your tears away and told no one of it, cries, Tears for saying goodbye, good memories and hopes and fears. Hope that this isn’t the end, the fear that it very well may be. Never have I wanted to martyr myself more for his pain, I wish there were something I could do.

Everything has ended and I’m a wreck, falling apart because these pictures of pain aren’t leaving me alone. The sound of nothingness haunts me, I’m missing the soft breezes of whispers and laughter. Realizing that it’s over, it’s really over has been a bullet through my heart.

I don’t know what else to say, for fear of being too open. The only place that knows every thought I had is that corner, of that stage, under spotlights.

God, put my heart to rest. Reassure me and those who fear it may be, that it’s not the end. That home, is always, forever will be home. Guide those of us who feel lost without it, find the stage again in whichever way you want us to learn most from it. I’ve been stretched, pushed, pulled and mangled… but I’ve learned allot about you Lord, and allot about the people you have put into my life. God, use me again, in whichever way you want – please let it be near the stage!

I guess my real question to all this void is this - Is the end the beginning again? Please say yes!

|| Jackie Poole.

Resolution never seemed so sweet.

I love that God always has a plan, even when you think you've done everything you can to mess up a situation... He's still there to orchestrate the sweetest, most beneficial and entirely perfect way to put it all back together. My favorite word right now?

RESOLVED!

So, there it is.

Love, Jackie.

Bitter Awakening

{{What You Should Know}}

Bitter Awakening was written during seasonal transitions and the literal things I saw became more. When I finally decided to write I was in the middle of watching an opera about losing love.

Things kinda came together and became a story of transitions of the heart moving on from the painful past into the warmth and healing of being okay and safely letting go of self blame, regret and anger.

Bitter Awakening

The ice was ample all around,

You left me lifeless to be found.

Every day I stood strong and lied,

While every night in weakness cried.

---

Though warmth I had , my heart you break.

No strength have I, for you to take.

Spring's breezes break my husk of pain,

Induces breathing and keeps me sane.

---

Timber of the dullest brown,

Soon shades of emerald shall re-crown.

Since winter gives a dormant heart,

Approaching spring brings hope to chart.

---

The softest blades stroke from below,

This dewy green shall stain my toe.

Soon the sun shall evince it's worth,

First steps into a whole new earth.

---

Sorrows that were can stay no more,

Hope gently twirls as the sun on my floor,

The dancers of courage aid me to see,

all that the light intends me to be.

---

Soon the colors shall break ground,

As if the fields orchestrate sweet sound.

The evergreens their branches stretch,

As if their dream is to sunbeam catch.

---

For a moment I thought you unfeeling and vicious,

But the sweet sun impels me to give highest wishes.

The weather does not only change seasons and tide,

It radically changes in whom my heart will confide.

---

Gone is the stronghold you had on me,

Freedom resounds, from my chains I'm set free.

Sweet spring and sun are my chances for healing,

Though I can't help but inquire, how are you feeling?

...no conclusive endings.

So many questions fill my head. No one really has answers.

For an adult your life has some relative security. You are most likely able to say that within the next year you will: Keep your job, keep your spouse, keep your home, keep your life in general. Things will come and go, and life does in fact change… but there is a higher level of security and a lessened level of unknowing. It is not this way for a 19 year old girl stuck in the middle!

I am unknowing as to whether I will be able to find a job or not, in the future will I be able to get a job that doesn't drive me nuts?! Should I be in college, or can I rough it on my own? Will I make enough money to pay of my college debt or will I make enough money to support my future family without a degree? Will I marry a man who wants me to work or stay at home? Will I send my kids to public or private school… or will they be home-schooled… and these may seem like pointless, ahead of the game types of questions. However, the way one comes to ANY of those answers can truly be boiled down to two things and altered by one single decision. 1) Is this God’s perfect will for me? 2)Do I get a college degree?

Lately, I have been reminded just how horrible I am at the whole “College” thing. I’m not a great student, my time management skills suck and every day I am on campus I ask God and myself “What am I doing here?” It doesn't seem like this is where I belong and although I do enjoy it most days, it just never fully feels right. It’s not like getting my degree makes me more or less honoring to God with my life. I mean, everyone has their own path…right?

Do I choose college or do I choose doing whatever I can to go wherever God leads me outside of a degree. I know that most of the adults reading this will highly encourage me to finish my education. Honestly, can you not admit that some people are just simply not meant for college? I know that these people exist, but am I one of them?

All I want to do is to honor God with the talents He has been kind enough to bless me with. It’s a CHALLENGE every day I wake up and realize that, once more, I have to muster up the strength to project my voice in my vocal performance class when all I want to do is hide in the closet and never ever let people hear me sing. I know I’m called to more than that though. I pursue music because it is what gives me most peace, it is how I most intimately connect with God and it is what I feel like I can fake being good at.

Lately, I feel like I’m misinterpreting God…allot. When I was younger and I would go swimming in a pool with friends we would often play a sort of “Game” where we would go under water and yell at the top of our lungs some sort of funny word or phrase. We would then come up for air and the other person would try to guess what we had just yelled under the water. Of course, the words were terribly muffled, and every guess made was based on the general sound and tone. Usually your first through seventh guesses were wrong, until finally it was laid out syllable by syllable for you to understand. Has anyone else ever done this, or am I alone here? Well anyways, lately I feel like that low, muffled, non-direct voice is how God is speaking to me. It’s not a matter of just “being still” but of trying to interpret everything from basic vocal tones and drowned out consonants.

Why must I hear God this way? Why must I guess what he is trying to do in my life? I search, and search and look and seek for His direction and his still small voice, I find nothing but muffled whispers of a loving God.

I knew that I never had it fully figured out, but at the very least I thought I had a plan that was following God’s path for me. Now, I’m not so sure of anything. Every single thing I was certain of has been taken away (this is where I start humming “He gives and takes away!”).

As much as I would (beyond) LOVE bringing this blog post to a conclusive end, there isn't one. As long as my life has not concluded these questions will be swimming in my mind. There is no answer, there is no solid “Yes or no” answer… everything is relative and the relativity is based on God’s will. I feel like I’m in the balance, in some ways.

These questions and so many more conquer me daily.

God is constant and the sun still has the ability to shine, to the Almighty One be the glory but that doesn't mean I don't doubt and that I don't get confused.

Blessings, love and warmth to you on this most wretchedly cold evening.

Jackie Poole

Life...

Allot is going on in my life. Many ioi 's and lots of Jesus, laughter and of course - drama. haha

And yet, I have nothing to tell the world! :)

God is good and may you be blessed!

Jackie

ioi , Brigadoon, moods...Weekly updates.

I’m going to start giving weekly updates about some of the small things that make up large parts of my life. Most of them will speak for themselves, if you have questions please feel free to leave me comments about them.

ioi moment o the week:

Let me introduce you to “ioi moments!” This is something a friend and I came up with over our Christmas break this year. It all comes from a habit of mine. When I find victory or happiness in something I tend to raise both hands straight above my head and take a deep breath in. Over the past year this became known between a few friends and myself as my “Victory Stance!” When someone pointed out that the common shorthand or text talk term “lol” looked like a drowning man, I realized that ioi looks like a person with their arms raised above their head. There are two acceptable ways to call this moment 1) pronounce the letters used to create the visual of this person with their hands raised or, 2) just call it a “Victory” moment, using ioi simply as text symbol.

I have chosen to make ioi moments a weekly update on my blog – and I may even begin using it daily on my Facebook, Twitter, Skype, etc. Why did I make this decision? Because we always claim that God is victorious over all things, we claim fullness of joy and a realization of prosperity in the Lord. Yet, how often do will still complain about how things go wrong in life. I tend to complain allot more than I should. I have running water, a loving family, a safe home and a free country. That is more than most people in the world can claim. I am blessed, yet I don’t always see it. So, I am making it a point every week to point out a victory in my life. So, be keeping an eye out for these ioi moments, they will be coming.

Brigadoon update: Last rehearsal was a blast. The ticket sales committee is beginning to meet, sword fight choreography has begun and the vocals are sounding amazing.

Poetically worded mood of the day: Significance is found in the eye of the beholder, in this moment I contentedly find my own insignificance.

My Current Reading List...

Most people seem to think that Christmas break is the best thing since sliced bread. I would absolutely have to agree. However, with LCC it is not "Christmas Break," it's "Let's give you a break until your so bored that you want to claw your eyes out because you have nothing to do but watch movies and read all day, break!" I have been on break since December 15th, which was very nice. Right now it is January 6th... I do not go back to school until the 18th. That is 12 more days!!! I am trying to do things around the house, trying to organize my bedroom, hang out with friends, READ more, but you can only do so much of these things in a day.

Since I have had nothing to do, I am so very excited for HPA to start again tomorrow! Yes, I am absolutely thrilled. I have missed everyone so much and I have missed just being there. I think HPA is peachy keen! If you've been around me at all in the past week or so, you've probably heard my excitement. I'm so ready for rehearsal tomorrow! :)

Hmmnn... other things going on in my life?!

I've been playing my guitar more lately, which is a horror to my parents (Our house is anything but sound proof) and a wonder to me. Don't worry, it's an old acoustic with no amp... it's not that loud.

For those of you who know me well, I usually enjoy reading. However, you also know that I do not have the attention span to focus on a book long enough to finish it within any decent amount of time. This year I want that to change. I'm creating ridicoulosly long reading lists of books I would like to read, not that I have to read, but would like to. This way I can keep track of how many book I've read and which books they were. As of now my book list is getting rather long, weird thing is... I still want to add more to it. So, I am still open to suggestions. Honestly, give me any random suggestions and I'll check it out, if it doesn't interest me... well, that's why I'm using the library not buying all these books! haha

Here is my list so far.

1. The Great Divorce – C.S. Lewis
2. Crazy Love – Francis Chan
3. The 7 habits of highly effective people – Stephan R. Covey
4. Faith to Faith – Dan Scott
5. Glen Beck’s Common Sense – Glen Beck
6. His Princess Bride – Sheri Rose Shepherd
7. In the Name of Jesus – Henri J.M. Nouwen
8. Love Dare – Kendrick
9. The Princes of Ireland (The Dublin Saga) – Edward Rutherfurd
10. Bright Sword of Ireland – Juilene Osborne – McKnight
11. Captivating – John & Stasi Eldredge
12. Wild At Heart – John Eldredge
13. Rebels of Ireland – Rutherfurd
14. Songs of Ireland – ?
15. Wastelands – Post Apocalyptic composite
16. The strong shall live – Louis L’Amour
17. Set Apart Femininity – Leslie Ludy
18. Real Christianity – William Wilberforce
19. Breaking Free – Beth Moore
20. Dangerous Wonder – Mike Yaconelli
21. Love Revolution – Joyce Meyer
22. Hunger Games – Suzanne Collins

Yeah, it's high hopes for a slow, distract-able reader like me. But I'm going to try. Plus i'm still wanting to add more on. :P

Well, that is all I have to say right now. Not much interesting I'm sure. I promise things will get more interesting when school starts back up, you just have to bear through the 12 days with me!

... I think it's time to cross my arms, kick my feet and throw a fit... I want school NOW! However, i know that such relief can never come when you actually want it! haha

Fervently,

Jackie

Suggestions?

I am looking for suggestions.

Two of my new years resolutions are to blog once a week and to read more (non school related) books. I am looking for suggestions on both. Any ideas on subjects I should talk about... I'm open to most anything. My aim is to blog once a week for ALL of 2011.... if not more often.

Another aim is to read more books. So, really as long as there are no comic related or alien fiction then i'll most likely be interested.

So, here is your charge. SUGGEST AWAY!

New year, new opportunities.

If you've read my posts, or if you look back into my recent blogging history (don't even bother) you can plainly see that the daily blogging world is not working so well. However, this is a new year and a new opportunity to try.

Some new years "Resolutions" are as follows.

1) To read allot more than I have been. I have a reading list and fully intend to complete it over this next year. This actually is a big deal for me, I'm not a major reading person.

2) To find the confidence in myself I once possessed but at some point lost.

3) To be more open.

4) To blog Once a week. I may, rarely, blog more than once but my goal remains ONCE! I intend to keep my blog during school and all the crazy happenings in life. This one will most likely be the hardest for me, it takes allot of thought.

Tonight, I don't have much to say.

Fervently,

Jackie