The Dreams I Dream...

In this last year of high school I have been in much prayer and consideration as to what colleges or majors I wanted to go for. I have changed my mind millions of times. I have finally decided to go for a major I will enjoy and just wait upon the Lord to open the door that is right for me! I thought I had decided on Spring Arbor University, but they have recently removed the major I would have wanted. Vocal Performance. I've been told I have no choice but to major in this and that is no problem with me! :) I have always wanted to sing, since I can remember I have been singing and have wanted to be on a worship team, in a famous band or even in a Broadway show! I know my dreams were big and near impossible, but every time I look back I can't help but think that I ripped myself off somehow. I grew up telling myself that Broadway would never want me and that being in a band would just not work. How does a child both dream and cut themselves down?...I don't know yet, but somehow I pulled it off. Allot of people smile and giggle when they hear what I wanted when I was younger, I can tell they agree that it would have never worked. But recently I've learned something... I am created for music! Okay, now for those of you who know me this may seem like a no brainer - but unfortunately it hasn't been that easy for me. I never really quit singing and I have taken voice lessons for almost 10 years now, but it was all just because I enjoyed it. This last year I joined HPA's (Homeschool Performing Arts) production of Seussical The Musical. My heart absolutely melted at the thought of being in a musical drama. Even if it was just a high school play, I loved it. My part was small, but I embraced it. Throughout the year God taught me so much about myself through Seussical. The show has been over for almost 3 weeks now and I am still processing everything that God had to say. For Seussical, I was in the chorus line for the most part. I was happy with that. I felt very shy and timid at the thought of singing in front of hundreds of people every night. Again, if you know me - that may shock you. I was scared. Plain and simple, I was scared. I was glad that I didn't have to live up to expectations or comparative critique! All my life, through all of my voice lessons I have HATED recitals of any sort and singing in front of others has always been an embarrassment. Now, notice I said I was in the chorus line for the MOST PART. Towards the end of the production I did have a small solo. When the directors told me what they wanted from me... I swear my jaw dropped to the floor. I wanted to run away and hide, maybe even cry. They wanted a strong, loud, powerful, belting solo to come from ...ME?!??! It wasn't possible, it COULDN'T BE POSSIBLE! The AMAZING assistant director Miss. Elizabeth spent some time with me and kinda showed me how to pull it off. So many people helped me and whether they know this or not - they taught me that I can be confident in me! Over the year I practiced and practiced and practiced some more. I was so nervous about singing my solo...even in front of the other cast members. It wasn't until half way through the year that I had to finally put it out on the table, just for the cast members, parents and directors. My stomach was in knot's! I remember praying that God would at least let my throat loosen up, even if I had to sing with a knotted stomach. I was made to stand in front of the group, which killed me. I just wanted to run and hide in back... I could sing from there! :D As I started singing I remember seeing two AMAZING girls in the cast just look at each other and then me, and back and forth with these huge smiles on their faces. After that day people started complimenting me and telling me that I did a great job. One of the mom's who was the assistant producer, well she was pretty much amazing! She tried to come into practice whenever I had to sing my solo and she always told me that I did a great job. Through that situation that I was sure was going to kill me, I learned full confidence in myself and my ability to sing. Now, you may think that I have forgotten that I started this entry talking about college. Well, this really does all fit in together. Before Seuss was over I wanted to major in anything BUT music or voice. I didn't want to have to go through all that pain and insecurity on a regular basis. But NOW, I am okay with saying I CAN SING if you don't agree that's fine... but I know your wrong! ;) I can be myself knowing that belting it is exactly where I belong, and singing is NEVER going to leave my being. I am confident in knowing that I can go to college, major in Vocal Performance and do well! And...even though at one point I cut myself down and ruined my own dreams, let's just say I don't have a problem with them anymore. I may never make it to Broadway or get into a famous band - but that doesn't mean I can't want it! The Lord knows exactly what my abilities are and how much further I can go with His strength in me. My purpose is to bless the name of the Lord and uplift His people! So, the dreams I dream really can come true! I can be confident and I can sing! ** I honestly apologize to anyone who ended up reading this big mushy no point, going everywhere at once blog post. I tend not to post until I have to much to say and I get off topic to often! :D ** Jackie Poole