Could it be?!

Over the past week I have been visiting family in Kansas, mainly to help with my cousin's open house and to go to his graduation. Our trip was good, I got to see my family and spend time with my cousins. We did the LONG car ride there in one day, and we decided to do the same on the way home. As we were on our way home my mom called dad, not out of the ordinary. He was on his way to work and it all seemed very casual. Until my dad started talking about some sort of something that had my mom giving strange responses. Now, I was NOT eavesdropping - there is no way NOT to listen to a conversation with 4 people in an impala going cross country. I could only hear my mom's end of the conversation, to be honest it sounded grim. I'll admit that I'm a little bit paranoid about these conversations. Ever since the phone call of "Honey, I'm going to Iraq in 5 months and there's nothing that can be done to change it!" Knowing that my father is getting deployed (AGAIN) this fall, it seems that news can only continue to get worse. I get very suspicious of coversations where mom says things like "Wow!...Are you sure?!...they won't change their minds?!...Why?" Well, this time. When my mom got off the phone she looked at me and said "Jackie, are you ready for this?" my heart sunk, my stomach rolled and I replied "Probably not" She continued on with the information anyways. "Jackie, dad was online all last night and he found something out. He can transfer his GI to you!" Now, I know that you all havn't been raised in a military home, so i'll pan out how much information is actually loaded in that sentance. The GI bill is an opportunity for service men to get up to 3 years of free university education, at the college or university of their choice. MY dad is able to transfer those rights, to ME! This means he will be unable to take college courses paid for. But this means for me, depending on the colleges or universities the GI pays for Tuition, room and board, books and sometimes even personal expenses. The GI does NOT make me ineligable for any other scholarships or grants, so anything it may not cover is still possibly covered by scholarships!!! So, to me this means. Throw out the inhabitions of wondering IF i'll ever be able to pay off college debt, or if I should just go to community college. As long as the college excepts the GI bill the army will pay. So if the christian Universities I am looking at accept the GI, I can go there and not have to worry that my parents will be bogged down with a high tuition, or that I will be pinned with student debt for the rest of my life. 3 years of a FREE education! ...after all the rude and hateful remarks i've made, perhaps the Army National Gaurd isn't entirely screwed up. Now, they are still deploying my father....again. And yes they are being absolute retards about it. But they are now seeming to take care of their men and families a little better in the past year or so, and with this - I like 'em even more. Could this be Lord?! I've prayed and prayed about how to find a way to pay for an education, if I should get a college education... and now I can!! I can pursue my passions of communication and Singing in a University setting and do well, without the worry of the rest of my life! Now to figure out everything and all the decisions that go with this!

Such a crazy life! Here is just a glimpse into my next few weeks. TODAY: I am packing, cleaning and getting everything around to go on a trip, AND I have ESL tonight. TOMOROW!: More packing, cleaning, getting my hair fixed in the morning and SLEEPING. THURSDAY: Traveling & arriving in Kansas! FRRIDAY-TUESDAY: Hang out with my family in KS, watch my cousin' graduate, go lap-top shopping, Cousin's graduation reception, and the general trouble that comes with getting me and my cousin's together!!! (PICTURES WILL COME!) NEXT WEDNESDAY: Sleep, Unpack, Going away party for a friend (?), Seein' my bestie and her class tour. NEXT THURSDAY: More unpacking, graduation rehearsals, possible hangin' out with the graduates. NEXT FRIDAY: GRADUATION!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! NEXT SATURDAY: OPEN HOUSES! and it just keeps going!!! I love my crazy everywhere at once, running around trying not to miss a thing life! Ah... so calming to be so hectic!

Wonderful Insanity!

Right now my family is in a mass chaos! My mother and I are getting ready to go on a trip to my cousin's graduation and open house in Kansas next week, We are gathering addresses for, printing and sending out open house invitations, making whatever final plans we can for my open house and graduation, getting the family calendar together for open houses we want to go to, working with ESL, normal church activities, not to mention the every day bustle of life! It is getting really busy and absolutely crazy... which makes it wonderful! It can be stressfull to plan an open house - NO JOKE! :D Packing to leave for a currently unkown amount of time, it is all so incredibly chaotic. I love this! Chaos is not always my friend, but right now I cannot help but to see the blessings in it! In going to Kansas I get to see my cousin's, whom I miss all the time!! In planning a graduation/open house I am getting an opportunity to see people I don't often get too AND I get a milestone of moving on with my God given life! I am excited for this summer! Beach trips, concerts, travels to Kansas, Gradaution, open houses - including my own, and just enjoying the heat and creation the Lord gives... maybe even a tan?! Oh, did I mention my never ending mood of needing to sing in the summer?! lol Something about summer and fall make me want to sing all the time, wich is not abnormal - however I contain myself less in the summer which makes for sometimes frustrated road-trip mates! ;) God, thank you for this life and thank you for blessing me with people whom I love and who love me. Thank you for giving me opportunities to travel, see places and to see people - I love it!

Psalm 119:144 "Your laws are always right; help me to understand them so I may live!" So, lately i've been thinking about how God has called me to follow him. Why do we say that so casually?! It shouldn't be... The Lord God Almighty, wonderful, healer, creator of all has chosen to call upon me to serve and worship Him forever more! Not that we need to use abnormally long sentances to describe the Lord at every mention of Him, however - I think in the way we say things there is direction sent to our actions. If we say things casually, it may become casual. That is not always bad, it is not always good. I don't want it to be casual that God has called me, I think it's pretty darn amazing that he chose such a screwed up human being like me to shine His light through! I have come to find myself saying so often "Not because I can, because i'm called!" See, I CAN do just about anything I want, but that doesn't mean I want to! However, that is not good enough! I am called to do all I can to offer highest praise to the Lord and to serve Him however he asks me to, not just in the ways I get excited about. So... Lord, teach my your laws - they are always right, and I really want to learn to live like you have called me to! Help me remain set-aside and devoted entirely to you and only ever you! Jackie

The Dreams I Dream...

In this last year of high school I have been in much prayer and consideration as to what colleges or majors I wanted to go for. I have changed my mind millions of times. I have finally decided to go for a major I will enjoy and just wait upon the Lord to open the door that is right for me! I thought I had decided on Spring Arbor University, but they have recently removed the major I would have wanted. Vocal Performance. I've been told I have no choice but to major in this and that is no problem with me! :) I have always wanted to sing, since I can remember I have been singing and have wanted to be on a worship team, in a famous band or even in a Broadway show! I know my dreams were big and near impossible, but every time I look back I can't help but think that I ripped myself off somehow. I grew up telling myself that Broadway would never want me and that being in a band would just not work. How does a child both dream and cut themselves down?...I don't know yet, but somehow I pulled it off. Allot of people smile and giggle when they hear what I wanted when I was younger, I can tell they agree that it would have never worked. But recently I've learned something... I am created for music! Okay, now for those of you who know me this may seem like a no brainer - but unfortunately it hasn't been that easy for me. I never really quit singing and I have taken voice lessons for almost 10 years now, but it was all just because I enjoyed it. This last year I joined HPA's (Homeschool Performing Arts) production of Seussical The Musical. My heart absolutely melted at the thought of being in a musical drama. Even if it was just a high school play, I loved it. My part was small, but I embraced it. Throughout the year God taught me so much about myself through Seussical. The show has been over for almost 3 weeks now and I am still processing everything that God had to say. For Seussical, I was in the chorus line for the most part. I was happy with that. I felt very shy and timid at the thought of singing in front of hundreds of people every night. Again, if you know me - that may shock you. I was scared. Plain and simple, I was scared. I was glad that I didn't have to live up to expectations or comparative critique! All my life, through all of my voice lessons I have HATED recitals of any sort and singing in front of others has always been an embarrassment. Now, notice I said I was in the chorus line for the MOST PART. Towards the end of the production I did have a small solo. When the directors told me what they wanted from me... I swear my jaw dropped to the floor. I wanted to run away and hide, maybe even cry. They wanted a strong, loud, powerful, belting solo to come from ...ME?!??! It wasn't possible, it COULDN'T BE POSSIBLE! The AMAZING assistant director Miss. Elizabeth spent some time with me and kinda showed me how to pull it off. So many people helped me and whether they know this or not - they taught me that I can be confident in me! Over the year I practiced and practiced and practiced some more. I was so nervous about singing my solo...even in front of the other cast members. It wasn't until half way through the year that I had to finally put it out on the table, just for the cast members, parents and directors. My stomach was in knot's! I remember praying that God would at least let my throat loosen up, even if I had to sing with a knotted stomach. I was made to stand in front of the group, which killed me. I just wanted to run and hide in back... I could sing from there! :D As I started singing I remember seeing two AMAZING girls in the cast just look at each other and then me, and back and forth with these huge smiles on their faces. After that day people started complimenting me and telling me that I did a great job. One of the mom's who was the assistant producer, well she was pretty much amazing! She tried to come into practice whenever I had to sing my solo and she always told me that I did a great job. Through that situation that I was sure was going to kill me, I learned full confidence in myself and my ability to sing. Now, you may think that I have forgotten that I started this entry talking about college. Well, this really does all fit in together. Before Seuss was over I wanted to major in anything BUT music or voice. I didn't want to have to go through all that pain and insecurity on a regular basis. But NOW, I am okay with saying I CAN SING if you don't agree that's fine... but I know your wrong! ;) I can be myself knowing that belting it is exactly where I belong, and singing is NEVER going to leave my being. I am confident in knowing that I can go to college, major in Vocal Performance and do well! And...even though at one point I cut myself down and ruined my own dreams, let's just say I don't have a problem with them anymore. I may never make it to Broadway or get into a famous band - but that doesn't mean I can't want it! The Lord knows exactly what my abilities are and how much further I can go with His strength in me. My purpose is to bless the name of the Lord and uplift His people! So, the dreams I dream really can come true! I can be confident and I can sing! ** I honestly apologize to anyone who ended up reading this big mushy no point, going everywhere at once blog post. I tend not to post until I have to much to say and I get off topic to often! :D ** Jackie Poole

Spiritual Bulimia!

I have Bulimia, and it is bad. I am completley serious too, Although I do not purge on food and then regurgetate it I still have bulimia only... a different kind. I have Spiritual Bulimia! I have been reading a book called "Irresistable Revolution" and he mentions "Spiritual Bulimia" in passing, I havn't gotten very far into the book, so I don't even know if he goes further into it. But with his breif explanation I was able to identify myself as a bulimic! I classifiy Spritual Bulimia as: Taking in as much spiritual content as possible like Devo's, t-shirts, music, teachings and bible but taking in TO MUCH and not taking time to digest it. Not thinking about or meditating on the meanings or purpose of each element we are adding into our lives. Then at our next chance at fellowship we regurgitate it all back up to our sundayschool teachers, friends, leaders, parents and anyone who will listen to a spiritual conversation. You don't understand it neccasarily, but you are able to spit out the answer anytime you are asked. I did not realize I was bulimic... but latley even though I have continued to discipline myself in my relationship with God I am realizing that in some cases I do not take time to digest it's meaning. I read God's word, but I quickly move on with my day and rarely look back. It's not about having the answers, it's about learning who God is and what that means to me! Who is God to me?! I know he is my Healer as he has demonstrated to me freely in the past...but why do I know he is my healer? Because I took time to digest what was going on around me as he put back together the broken peices of my life. I need to start paying more attention, take some down time to relax and digest in a day! I want Passion and Intimate Love with Jesus ALWAYS, but I can't have it unless I am comprehending the miraculous and awe-inspiring things that my Christ is teaching me on a daily basis! I'm not going to even ask if you think you've got Bulimia, but if you do...your not allone. I don't take the time either. The Lord Bless you and encase you in His strong and loving arms! Lord, help me to digest the things you teach me. Help me to claim the blessings you give and live passionately in knowledge that you are the ultimate forgiver, thank you for waiting for me to wake up and eat the "Meat" you have presented to me. I love you, Amen!

The Lord speaks to me, even when I don't think I'm in a place to hear him. Lately God has been talking to me about what I have in my life. Things, that aren't necessarily "Bad" but they don't bring him glory either. Music, movies, actions and friendships. I want to set myself aside for the Lord, to be one of his tools and to live life solely for his purposes. I don't care if people say I'm crazy, or if they exile me because I won't watch a bad movie with them. Set-aparted-ness, that is what I long for. I will be honest, it's scary stepping out into the dark blessing the name of the Lord and trusting his guidance. It's not pleasureful to have people stop talking to you because your a "Jesus person!" However, I will take the labels, the names, and the scary first step. I want them, I'll grow and become a woman that the Lord is proud to call a daughter. Lord, help me set aside my life to glorify you and achieve only what you want me to achieve. Help me eliminate the things in my life that aren't what you want for me. I want to be part of the generation of youth rising up to bring you fame. Help me God to become closer to the person you would have me be, and less like the person that the world wants. God you are amazing. You romance me, and you tell me about how much you want to do with this world...and frankly, I want to see it all happen! I praise you for everything you have blessed me with, help me to appreciate it more than I do now. Thank you for the gift of freedom. I love you Lord, ~Jackie P.~

But I don't want to grow up!

Maturity is a choice! I have had a difficult time learning this, and I am still having trouble fulling grasping this. However, I am able to see this statement's truth. I can choose to become a more responsible and whole person, it is not all up to fate and "Growing up!" I am able to see that taking responsibility in my communications with people, and making more of an effort will most certainly be profitable. I am not saying "God has no control, I have it all!" I most certainly do not want to make that statement, but I do want to be able to say that a gave an effort and that I gave it my all! I am still in the balance of trying to figure out, what is simply my personality (Randomness and spontanious actions) and what is unneccasary child-like behavior. Being imature, in most cases (but not all) is not pleasing to the Lord. At least that is the case I see in my life, where I am being immature I am being selfish and rude! Things can change though, and thank God that change is a possibility! ~Jackie~ Dear Lord, You are Holy, and I thank you that you even thought to love me! Things will change and I think that sucks most times, but thank you for your willingness to deal with my immaturity and selfishness! You are the most High King, and I thank you for all you are to me! Amen!

The puddle isn't always deep!

Right now I am cursed with Michigan's never ending cycle of "the common Cold" it's only common because everyone gets it ALL THE TIME! Who knows, if it didn't spread faster than rabbits can procreate maybe it would be quite an atrocity! No matter what it could be, I sit here with tissues in hand, and a head full of dead end thoughts. So forgive me if this makes no sense. Life seems to catch me by suprise, almost all the time. It seems as if it were just minutes ago that I gained such amazing friends, and now... in a 9 days they graduate. Although I have put on the obviously sarcastic fissad of "YOUR LEAVING ME BEHIND IN LIFE" that is not how I feel. I may tease and poke and prod just to annoy my friend to no end, but I am glad they have this opportunity, NOW in this stage if their lives. If you would have asked me 2 months ago, I may have not answered because I was mad about it. The truth is I didn't want to be left behind, and I didn't want to be here, in this... allone. You see, I tend to judge my problems like one may judge a puddle. When you are about to walk through a rain puddle you may think or say alloud "That's gonna be just to the edge of my shoe, or up to my ankles" I judged my problems as "My life is going to fall apart" when another choice I had was "This is is God's hands" I have learned that I always judge the puddle as to deep, far, far to deep. I freak out and prepare myself to swim across the "Ocean" when in reality, me feet are barely wet, and my bare wet feet are cared for by the creator of all. I have learned that the puddle isn't always deep!

My greetings to the blogging world!

Hello every one, This is my first post on blogger. So I just thought I would give a nice hello and get off, believe me more is comming down the road, but for now. Hello, and goodbye ~Jackie~