The Dreams I Dream...

In this last year of high school I have been in much prayer and consideration as to what colleges or majors I wanted to go for. I have changed my mind millions of times. I have finally decided to go for a major I will enjoy and just wait upon the Lord to open the door that is right for me! I thought I had decided on Spring Arbor University, but they have recently removed the major I would have wanted. Vocal Performance. I've been told I have no choice but to major in this and that is no problem with me! :) I have always wanted to sing, since I can remember I have been singing and have wanted to be on a worship team, in a famous band or even in a Broadway show! I know my dreams were big and near impossible, but every time I look back I can't help but think that I ripped myself off somehow. I grew up telling myself that Broadway would never want me and that being in a band would just not work. How does a child both dream and cut themselves down?...I don't know yet, but somehow I pulled it off. Allot of people smile and giggle when they hear what I wanted when I was younger, I can tell they agree that it would have never worked. But recently I've learned something... I am created for music! Okay, now for those of you who know me this may seem like a no brainer - but unfortunately it hasn't been that easy for me. I never really quit singing and I have taken voice lessons for almost 10 years now, but it was all just because I enjoyed it. This last year I joined HPA's (Homeschool Performing Arts) production of Seussical The Musical. My heart absolutely melted at the thought of being in a musical drama. Even if it was just a high school play, I loved it. My part was small, but I embraced it. Throughout the year God taught me so much about myself through Seussical. The show has been over for almost 3 weeks now and I am still processing everything that God had to say. For Seussical, I was in the chorus line for the most part. I was happy with that. I felt very shy and timid at the thought of singing in front of hundreds of people every night. Again, if you know me - that may shock you. I was scared. Plain and simple, I was scared. I was glad that I didn't have to live up to expectations or comparative critique! All my life, through all of my voice lessons I have HATED recitals of any sort and singing in front of others has always been an embarrassment. Now, notice I said I was in the chorus line for the MOST PART. Towards the end of the production I did have a small solo. When the directors told me what they wanted from me... I swear my jaw dropped to the floor. I wanted to run away and hide, maybe even cry. They wanted a strong, loud, powerful, belting solo to come from ...ME?!??! It wasn't possible, it COULDN'T BE POSSIBLE! The AMAZING assistant director Miss. Elizabeth spent some time with me and kinda showed me how to pull it off. So many people helped me and whether they know this or not - they taught me that I can be confident in me! Over the year I practiced and practiced and practiced some more. I was so nervous about singing my solo...even in front of the other cast members. It wasn't until half way through the year that I had to finally put it out on the table, just for the cast members, parents and directors. My stomach was in knot's! I remember praying that God would at least let my throat loosen up, even if I had to sing with a knotted stomach. I was made to stand in front of the group, which killed me. I just wanted to run and hide in back... I could sing from there! :D As I started singing I remember seeing two AMAZING girls in the cast just look at each other and then me, and back and forth with these huge smiles on their faces. After that day people started complimenting me and telling me that I did a great job. One of the mom's who was the assistant producer, well she was pretty much amazing! She tried to come into practice whenever I had to sing my solo and she always told me that I did a great job. Through that situation that I was sure was going to kill me, I learned full confidence in myself and my ability to sing. Now, you may think that I have forgotten that I started this entry talking about college. Well, this really does all fit in together. Before Seuss was over I wanted to major in anything BUT music or voice. I didn't want to have to go through all that pain and insecurity on a regular basis. But NOW, I am okay with saying I CAN SING if you don't agree that's fine... but I know your wrong! ;) I can be myself knowing that belting it is exactly where I belong, and singing is NEVER going to leave my being. I am confident in knowing that I can go to college, major in Vocal Performance and do well! And...even though at one point I cut myself down and ruined my own dreams, let's just say I don't have a problem with them anymore. I may never make it to Broadway or get into a famous band - but that doesn't mean I can't want it! The Lord knows exactly what my abilities are and how much further I can go with His strength in me. My purpose is to bless the name of the Lord and uplift His people! So, the dreams I dream really can come true! I can be confident and I can sing! ** I honestly apologize to anyone who ended up reading this big mushy no point, going everywhere at once blog post. I tend not to post until I have to much to say and I get off topic to often! :D ** Jackie Poole

Spiritual Bulimia!

I have Bulimia, and it is bad. I am completley serious too, Although I do not purge on food and then regurgetate it I still have bulimia only... a different kind. I have Spiritual Bulimia! I have been reading a book called "Irresistable Revolution" and he mentions "Spiritual Bulimia" in passing, I havn't gotten very far into the book, so I don't even know if he goes further into it. But with his breif explanation I was able to identify myself as a bulimic! I classifiy Spritual Bulimia as: Taking in as much spiritual content as possible like Devo's, t-shirts, music, teachings and bible but taking in TO MUCH and not taking time to digest it. Not thinking about or meditating on the meanings or purpose of each element we are adding into our lives. Then at our next chance at fellowship we regurgitate it all back up to our sundayschool teachers, friends, leaders, parents and anyone who will listen to a spiritual conversation. You don't understand it neccasarily, but you are able to spit out the answer anytime you are asked. I did not realize I was bulimic... but latley even though I have continued to discipline myself in my relationship with God I am realizing that in some cases I do not take time to digest it's meaning. I read God's word, but I quickly move on with my day and rarely look back. It's not about having the answers, it's about learning who God is and what that means to me! Who is God to me?! I know he is my Healer as he has demonstrated to me freely in the past...but why do I know he is my healer? Because I took time to digest what was going on around me as he put back together the broken peices of my life. I need to start paying more attention, take some down time to relax and digest in a day! I want Passion and Intimate Love with Jesus ALWAYS, but I can't have it unless I am comprehending the miraculous and awe-inspiring things that my Christ is teaching me on a daily basis! I'm not going to even ask if you think you've got Bulimia, but if you do...your not allone. I don't take the time either. The Lord Bless you and encase you in His strong and loving arms! Lord, help me to digest the things you teach me. Help me to claim the blessings you give and live passionately in knowledge that you are the ultimate forgiver, thank you for waiting for me to wake up and eat the "Meat" you have presented to me. I love you, Amen!

The Lord speaks to me, even when I don't think I'm in a place to hear him. Lately God has been talking to me about what I have in my life. Things, that aren't necessarily "Bad" but they don't bring him glory either. Music, movies, actions and friendships. I want to set myself aside for the Lord, to be one of his tools and to live life solely for his purposes. I don't care if people say I'm crazy, or if they exile me because I won't watch a bad movie with them. Set-aparted-ness, that is what I long for. I will be honest, it's scary stepping out into the dark blessing the name of the Lord and trusting his guidance. It's not pleasureful to have people stop talking to you because your a "Jesus person!" However, I will take the labels, the names, and the scary first step. I want them, I'll grow and become a woman that the Lord is proud to call a daughter. Lord, help me set aside my life to glorify you and achieve only what you want me to achieve. Help me eliminate the things in my life that aren't what you want for me. I want to be part of the generation of youth rising up to bring you fame. Help me God to become closer to the person you would have me be, and less like the person that the world wants. God you are amazing. You romance me, and you tell me about how much you want to do with this world...and frankly, I want to see it all happen! I praise you for everything you have blessed me with, help me to appreciate it more than I do now. Thank you for the gift of freedom. I love you Lord, ~Jackie P.~

But I don't want to grow up!

Maturity is a choice! I have had a difficult time learning this, and I am still having trouble fulling grasping this. However, I am able to see this statement's truth. I can choose to become a more responsible and whole person, it is not all up to fate and "Growing up!" I am able to see that taking responsibility in my communications with people, and making more of an effort will most certainly be profitable. I am not saying "God has no control, I have it all!" I most certainly do not want to make that statement, but I do want to be able to say that a gave an effort and that I gave it my all! I am still in the balance of trying to figure out, what is simply my personality (Randomness and spontanious actions) and what is unneccasary child-like behavior. Being imature, in most cases (but not all) is not pleasing to the Lord. At least that is the case I see in my life, where I am being immature I am being selfish and rude! Things can change though, and thank God that change is a possibility! ~Jackie~ Dear Lord, You are Holy, and I thank you that you even thought to love me! Things will change and I think that sucks most times, but thank you for your willingness to deal with my immaturity and selfishness! You are the most High King, and I thank you for all you are to me! Amen!

The puddle isn't always deep!

Right now I am cursed with Michigan's never ending cycle of "the common Cold" it's only common because everyone gets it ALL THE TIME! Who knows, if it didn't spread faster than rabbits can procreate maybe it would be quite an atrocity! No matter what it could be, I sit here with tissues in hand, and a head full of dead end thoughts. So forgive me if this makes no sense. Life seems to catch me by suprise, almost all the time. It seems as if it were just minutes ago that I gained such amazing friends, and now... in a 9 days they graduate. Although I have put on the obviously sarcastic fissad of "YOUR LEAVING ME BEHIND IN LIFE" that is not how I feel. I may tease and poke and prod just to annoy my friend to no end, but I am glad they have this opportunity, NOW in this stage if their lives. If you would have asked me 2 months ago, I may have not answered because I was mad about it. The truth is I didn't want to be left behind, and I didn't want to be here, in this... allone. You see, I tend to judge my problems like one may judge a puddle. When you are about to walk through a rain puddle you may think or say alloud "That's gonna be just to the edge of my shoe, or up to my ankles" I judged my problems as "My life is going to fall apart" when another choice I had was "This is is God's hands" I have learned that I always judge the puddle as to deep, far, far to deep. I freak out and prepare myself to swim across the "Ocean" when in reality, me feet are barely wet, and my bare wet feet are cared for by the creator of all. I have learned that the puddle isn't always deep!

My greetings to the blogging world!

Hello every one, This is my first post on blogger. So I just thought I would give a nice hello and get off, believe me more is comming down the road, but for now. Hello, and goodbye ~Jackie~