Sun-day school
nounL Sunday school, Plural noun: Sunday Schools
1. a class held on Sunday's to teach children about their religion.
2. a group gathering of children to be educated by the more spiritually advanced.
3. Indoctrination.
4. a time for hear the same story over and over again, so that billy can really soak up the lesson about honoring his parents, because he's been a real brat lately!
**Okay, okay ... So, I may have edited the definition... but only a little!**
Hello Friends,
So, Jonah. This self centered, disobedient, son of a gun. As children in Sunday school, we're practically taught to despise him and all he stands dor. HE runs away from Gods clear word. He spends 3 says in a fish, whale, monster... whatever. FINALLY, he goes to Nineveh but he still throws a fit because God doesn't pour His rage on the city. So, Jonah crawls out of the city and continues throwing his massive, self pitying- FIT!
Basic stuff, right?!
Well, I always took from this lesson "If you disobey God, drastic things will happen!" I always assumed that if I was ignoring the call of God that some huge, depressing, frightening thing would happen. Yes, yes... I know about God's father heart. But I guess I just had the rooted doubt of : What if I chose to willingly walk away from His call and His fatherhood?? Wouldn't I wither and die? Wouldn't I be unable to worship with clear conscience, wouldn't I be running from wild beasts? Obviously, I would be in line for punishment. This is obviously the message of Jonah! Well, that's what I heard as a kid... and what I was content to believe throughout most of my life.
The thing is... part way through this summer I was asked to go on outreach with our current Discipleship Training School. My immediate answer was "NO WAY!" I wanted to come home for Christmas, I wanted to see my sister Joanna (who I haven't seen for almost 2 years due to our missionary lives). Plus, for some reason I "FELT" like I wasn't supposed to leave the country in 2013. When I said no, I seriously thought I was following God's will. I mean, however creative God can be... he is also logical. Right?! And, it's only logical that I get to see my friend, go home for Christmas and pretend to live a normal life for at least a small portion of time... that's just the average American dream, isn't it?!
Turns out, after 5 times of saying "NO!" to India and Nepal (the countries my heart longs for!) I was wrong. After I started saying no, a really crappy attitude started creeping in. It slowly made each day worse than the one before. Not just clumsy, things broke kind of bad... but honestly questioning all of life BAD. But it was gradual. I was convinced that it was a combination of outside stresses that was making my life so difficult. Oh how easy it would have been for it to be something else's fault!I felt a constant nagging in my spirit, but I didn't know what for... honestly, I'm not sure I was willing to ask what it was all about. After the summer I came home (to Michigan!) for vacation and I felt a complete escape from this nagging! I was with friends who loved me, family who loved me, people who missed me... the nagging seemed to be gone - normal life! As each day passed I dreaded returning to Las Vegas. Even though the nagging had just been covered up by exciting and relaxing times at home, I didn't want to return to the wordless nagging that was to come with returning. I didn't want to face people. I didn't want to go back to those bad, bad days. I was wanted to run away from it all... even though I completely honor the commitment I have made to YWAM Las Vegas far to much to break it!
The same day I returned from vacation, Cathy sat me down and told me they'd be asking me about outreach one. last. time. She told me some things about the students and how she loved them, she told me about a few decisions they had made about outreach... and something strange was happening as I listened - my soul was stirred. My heart was aching for India and Nepal again. I was desperately confused. WHAT DID THIS MEAN?!
I wrestled with God the whole night. I barely slept, I just laid in bed with a few tears flooding my eyes. Why was I moved by the thought of going on outreach? WHY WAS I CONSIDERING IT?! The next evening I went to church with one of me co-workers, it was just a simple worship service. As we started singing, as I started to put my heart into a place of gratitude and openness to God - I was immediately WRECKED. Absolutely, with out a doubt --WRECKED --. Jesus was speaking to me, SO CLEARLY. He asked me why I was mad. He asked my why I said no. He asked me why I thought he was telling me to stay when His word so clearly says GO!
So, I told Him. I told Him I was angry because I wanted to go home. Because I wanted to see my family. Because I wanted to experience Christmas with my family again, He reminded me that I spent the entire summer encouraging summer staff and students alike to take on real, authentic discipleship and make the sacrifice to follow and I wasn't acting like I was willing. "Jackie, aren't you willing to give this up for me? Aren't you willing to tell your family in India about me? Jackie - I created you for this." The questions clouded my head as I sobbed. Yes, I sobbed.
I told Him all about how I didn't feel equipped, supported, ready or released to go on outreach with the DTS. He told me that it all was going to be perfectly alright. Its not my strength, but His. I was feeling a little too vulnerable - So, since I was feeling really vulnerable with God I felt the need to distract myself (which is a normal practice for me when being overly vulnerable). So, I looked at my phone... my mom had called. I stepped outside and called her back and essentially she told me that I was being stupid for not going. That part of being a missionary is saying goodbye to my father, my mother and turn my back on any other lover and press on. She told me I was RELEASED from any sort of pressure from her, dad or anyone else to come home for Christmas. She told me she blessed me. She encouraged me. She told me to go and retrieve my lost sisters, brothers, mothers, fathers and children across the world. Again... the sobbing came into play. {Side note: I swear, before DTS I was NOT a cryer!!}
After that Sunday night, I knew what I had to do. I had to Go. I had to waste my life on Jesus because that is truly never a waste. I felt like Jonah, I felt like I had run away from God's call. But what I realized as I thought through Jonah's life is that no matter how big of a fit I throw, no matter how much I toy with the idea of not obeying... His mercy is new every morning. I thought I would be consumed by beasts, but I was consumed by His love and grace! I thought I would be shamed and snickered at, but I am supported and encouraged. My bad, bad days - got better. I can see colors more vibrantly, I hear His voice more clearly - the nagging is gone.
So, November - January I'm hopping on a plane with beautiful women after Jesus and we're going to set the captives free, to do justice, love mercy, walk humbly and serve Jesus however we can throughout northern India and Nepal!
God has a funny way of always loving me.
Sometimes, I'm still not sure I'm worth it. But my Daddy always lifts my head to look at His face and speaks truth to me through the lies I've allowed to speak. He is always full of grace. Always loving. He's always given me a second chance when I'm being stubborn and not listening to Him.
Being a daughter of the true King is a wonderful, wonderful thing!
Blessings,
- Jackie
