A Few Random Thoughts...

So, allot has been going on lately... but nothing at the same time. haha So, here are my random thoughts at the moment.

Holy Cow, it's amazing how God uses friends to speak to you!

Pretzels are becoming an addiction, save me!

Mountain Dew is not as good as I remember it being, Red bull is better.

Do not drink red bull immediately before watching a passion play!

Jacob Hartges is THE best thing ever.

The people gone on Sr. Trip to Tennessee right now make my LIFE when they call me on skype.

I am disliking school VERY much right now, these last 4 weeks are going to be impeccable pain in my butt!

Umm.... that's all I can think of for now.

Bye.

Wordy Wordlessness

If I could spit my words onto a page, I’d have hope that my problems could dissipate. The rhymes I speak would send release. If only words came easily to this hardened, thoughtless, weary mind of mine. If only sweet waters were to cleanse me of pain as if this overwhelming fountain would release as the ink from my pen transfers to this empty page

This life is made of locks and bars and here I am, still locked within. My one simple release, my only escape is a small tinted window through which I can sing. Since when has my freedom been only these notes, printed on pages and hidden with coats of desperation and yearning?

I fear looking stupid. I fear being heard, though I need to be screaming, I don’t say a word. There’s so much within and I’m waiting to burst, if only I could smoothly do so on page. As clear as a cloudy day, each thought bombarded with the harshest extremes. Sweet relief, sweet relief where fore art thou my peace?! I’m reduced to these words, so cheesily stated and what is within has been no more extracted.

So many people surround me with skill, I’m stuck with my ranting and little control. There are those who inspire me with their painful tellings and eloquent words. When I read I am thrilled to the utmost capacity. I wish I could express things in such fantastic ways as my friends. If I could put words together in perfect meter I’d be ecstatic, but alas I am caught on this thicket of verbal inabilities. I cannot write, I cannot rhyme, all I need is to do is to give my jab and be done. All of this to say I'm stuck being wordy, with all this wordlessness.

...So is the end the beginning again?

Has your heart ever felt void before, simply because the home of a memory is no longer yours? The home of so many laughs and dances now filled with a harsh nothingness. 800 seats staring back have me in trances. Is my heart still beating? I fear it’s not. The only movements of life are the aches in these aftershocks of what yesterday was. Once receiving warmth and joy, now I must pay. Something is drawn from me, the energy, the light in me, it dissipates. Why can’t these outrageous spot lights melt the pain, fill the nothingness or illuminate a new start? Saying goodbye to home, thrusts a spike through my heart.

Have you ever watched a friend fall apart as they say goodbye to their home? Aching ever so deeply as the one, who only hours ago, wiped your tears away and told no one of it, cries, Tears for saying goodbye, good memories and hopes and fears. Hope that this isn’t the end, the fear that it very well may be. Never have I wanted to martyr myself more for his pain, I wish there were something I could do.

Everything has ended and I’m a wreck, falling apart because these pictures of pain aren’t leaving me alone. The sound of nothingness haunts me, I’m missing the soft breezes of whispers and laughter. Realizing that it’s over, it’s really over has been a bullet through my heart.

I don’t know what else to say, for fear of being too open. The only place that knows every thought I had is that corner, of that stage, under spotlights.

God, put my heart to rest. Reassure me and those who fear it may be, that it’s not the end. That home, is always, forever will be home. Guide those of us who feel lost without it, find the stage again in whichever way you want us to learn most from it. I’ve been stretched, pushed, pulled and mangled… but I’ve learned allot about you Lord, and allot about the people you have put into my life. God, use me again, in whichever way you want – please let it be near the stage!

I guess my real question to all this void is this - Is the end the beginning again? Please say yes!

|| Jackie Poole.